Lexington, VA (GlossyNews) — In a strange twist, the giant oil slick invading the Gulf Coast has blamed the capitalist pimp and preacher, known as Pat Robertson, for creating it.
“I don’t know what everyone is so upset about.“ said the humongous oil slick, when we finally caught up with it off the coast of Louisiana. “Your modern religious dogma that thinks wealth and riches are the way to heaven is to blame for me, and Pat Robertson is one of its biggest cheerleaders. I figure he’ll be blaming the gays for me next week, so I thought I’d set the record straight before he opened his big mouth.”
The Oil Slick continued, “This disaster, as you are calling me, is like everyone getting upset for shitting in their bed for 100 years and then waking up one day and noticing the house stinks. You all did this to yourselves. These birds and other wildlife are just caught in the crossfire. Sorry, but oil and water don’t mix, and when you pull the cork out of that genie bottle, I got to go somewhere. What did you want me to do once I got loose, grant you three wishes? If you want to get rid of me, then stop driving your cars. Simple as that. Otherwise, I’m going to enjoy some R & R on this beach here. Or maybe I’ll spread out over this fragile ecosystem over here. Oh, look-I can do both. Now get outta here kid-you bother me. Oh, by the way-if you see Obama tell him that’s one heckuva blob he’s doin. Get it? Heckuva blob?…that’s a little oil slick humor for ya.”