God Rejects Billionaires’ Joint Bid To Buy Earth

ALBUQUERQUE, NM (GlossyNews) — God Almighty, sole owner and creator of the earth, has categorically denied a joint bid by Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mukesh Ambani, Lakshmi Mittal and other billionaire club members to buy the planet.

With the stroke of His mighty finger, God scribbled the the word “NO” across the touch screen of His iPad — using Hebrew, the preferred lingua franca of deities and other celestial entities post Olympus– and presented it to the three principals in the form of an email advertisement for an iPad, which has not yet been released to mortals. Minutes later, their computers burst into flames as God went about other indisputably important business.

“I don’t understand God’s reluctance to sell the earth. I’ve read the Bible. It seems pretty clear to me that he uses the world as his footstool,” said Buffet. “It just doesn’t make good business sense.”

Carlos Slim formally requested that God explain His decision, but Slim was swiftly rebuked by the heavenly delegation.

“The Lord does not have to explain anything to anyone, especially you heathen mortals,” said one hawkish Seraph.

As the investors were being ushered out, the cherub Apinitae explained that the Lord was very busy supervising the seas, seasonal transitions and middle east peace.

“And it’s Passover time,” added Apinitae.

Buffet, Slim and Gates are rumored to be in negotiations with unnamed competitors of God to launch a hostile takeover for the property.

Economists describe the land as a natural resource that while robust, can also easily be destroyed. Demand for it has risen with the increase in human population, thus making it an attractive investment option compared to, say, stocks.

“The world’s wealthiest 20 percent own 8 percent of it anyway,” said Gates. “What’s the big deal?”

Analysts have speculated that God’s refusal to sell has a lot to do with America Movil, Slim’s company, which has floated plans to sell air time — literally, the amount of oxygen a human being can breathe for a set amount of time — in packages priced per minute.

Business strategists at the company denied the claims as impractical, but admitted that the idea had potential.

Regardless of the reason, this is not the first time God has declined selling the planet. Sergey Brin and Larry Page of Google unilaterally bid for the earth through their Google Earth project in August 2007. Their bid was also rejected.

“They simply told us the earth was not for sale,” said Brin.

Google had to settle for taking photographs of the earth from space and at street level, free of charge.

Sensing that the councils in heaven would not let up, the billionaires’ brilliant legal team perused the Bible for scriptural loopholes to exploit.

“The Book of John is pretty clear about who’s who in the universe. God may rule the heavens and the earth, but Satan is ‘prince of this world,'” said lead counsel Jotham Squint. “Satan was foolish for fighting God’s Government. Everyone knows you can’t fight City Hall. So we’re taking it to another branch.”

“Whatever they do, I hope they’ll be careful when dealing with the devil,” said Bernard Madoff from prison, wearing pink pants and a forlorn expression on his face, still clutching the edition of Fortune Magazine he had before his arrest.

In a related story, Bill Gates came under fire during an SEC hearing when confronted with reports that Satan had already sold him the world in a secret deal in 1995.

Meanwhile, Buffet still couldn’t get it. “Earthquakes, pestilence, global warming, pollution, desertification. I don’t think He’s done a very good job, quite honestly. I could turn this deal around and into a profit within three to five years.”