Sun Moon University, Seoul, South Korea —The final 10,000 Moonies exchanged their marriage vows this week. The ceremony came just before Utah’s Latter Day Saints, the Mormons, prepared to take over the franchise from Rev. Moon and his three sons.
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Mr. Moon’s famous mass weddings, while being world-renowned, are also one of the more controversial features of the Unification Church. Now they are to become the property of the conservative, publicity-shy Mormons.
The Seoul ceremony, which lasted 90 minutes, was broadcast on the Internet. Similar mass weddings, although smaller, took place around the world on Wednesday. The Unification Church, whose adherents are known in many countries as “Moonies,” has been struggling to revamp its image and boost its stagnant membership.
The Mormon Church is seeking ways to expand its influence throughout the world, but primarily in the US where it is seen as a “social cult” rather than an established religion. All the work that has been done by the Osmond family seems to have gone by the side as far as the church is concerned.
“No one knocks on the Temple door asking to speak to Donny or Marie anymore.” said a Mormon spokesperson. “That PBS special “The Mormons” we did a few years ago didn’t register squat. No one seems to care that we exist. Our Cheney Monkey Mascot has met with total disinterest.”
The mascot, pictured above, was named after VP Dick Cheney in April 2007 when the vice president was awarded (one year after he shot his own attorney) an honorary doctorate of public service from Brigham Young University, where he delivered the commencement address.
When asked what parts of the Moon empire will be sold off to the Mormons, the spokesperson said “Rev. Moon has expressly ceded the mass-marriage franchise, which generates millions each year. We Mormons have the genealogy thing down so we will be able to continue with that and make a tidy profit. Not to mention the huge increase in LDS membership that will happen as a result of this acquisition. LDS will pay $30 million for the right to mine this lucrative, refillable pot-of-gold.”
He continued, “We also have first right of refusal if the Moons decide to jettison any of the US businesses. The Washington Times and United Press International are sure to go on the block in the next year or two. The Moon Korean ventures are soaking up lots of cash these days. News isn’t something that the LDS has much use for, but we are considering how we can use it for our work in the world.
“One of our hopes is that we will be able to get into the hotel and resort side of the empire. You know we’ve never done much in that area, aside from travel now and then to Illinois for some R & R time in the old Brigham Young haunts.” He said. “But our missions are world-wide and we need places for these people to stay. A couple of hotel chains would sure help a lot. And a ski resort or two would be a great help in recruiting new members. We have a guy in Massachusetts who needs a job. Mit Romney did a bang-up job with the Winter Olympics a while back.”
With a smile, the spokesperson said, “You know, the Moon family has been very successful with their good works. It’s time for them to kick back and enjoy the fruits of their labor. A little Mormon cash can be very relaxing for that.”
So, this was a completely fake news bulletin…what was the point?
If we’er being totally honest, don’t care who sets it up by I’d marry Cornelius’s widow.