Vatican: New Shroud of Turin Best Yet

ROME, ITALY — The Vatican Museum today announced in a press release that the latest reproduction of the Shroud of Turin is of such great artistic quality that the Museum is immediately adopting it as the “new, God’s only recognized Shroud of Turin” and that it “replaces the first original shroud which dated somewhere in the later part of the 13th century. Everyone knew that one didn’t look so good, it was faded,” according to the release.

Since its 1988 carbon dating by Oxford, Zurich and Arizona labs as between 1260 and 1390, the first fake Shroud of Turin, which some Christians revere as Jesus Christ’s burial cloth, the linen was finally scientifically proven to be a medieval fake. Definitely not a cloth from Christ’s time, let alone the real cloth which bound him for burial after his crucifixion.

This “original” Turin Shroud, measuring some 14 feet or so by 3 and a half feet, bears an image of a crucified male that looks something like a photographic negative.

So does the newly ensconced “original Shroud of Turin” presented today to the public.

“We have shown it is possible to reproduce something which has the same characteristics as the Shroud,” said Mr. Luigi Girasolli, who is a para-normal psychologist in the Vatican Museum.

“I deal with a large amount of merchandise that just turns up “unannounced” at our Museum door. Lots of people have things in their basements that they think are religious. This was one such item.” Mr. Girasolli then revealed the accompanying comparative photographs you see reproduced here above.

“These images are, as all can see, very similar. The recently assumed position of the Vatican is that the photo on the right is much clearer and therefore, entitled to be called ‘the Original Shroud of Turin.’ There is a near-term possibility of definite proof that this could become the actual cloth that conceivably could have wrapped our Jesus after his crucifixion. The image on the left, as you can see, is so sadly faded, that it is hard to prove that this represents the image of our Christ.

“The Holy Father has stated today, without hesitation, that, and I quote, ‘We feel at the Vatican that it is of the greatest importance that we have undeniable proofs that this could be without a doubt someday, the possible shroud that bound Jesus. May God be praised.’ ”

Additional photos of this newest Shroud of Turin provided by Mr. Girasolli show the back and front of a bearded man with long hair, arms crossed on his chest, and the entire cloth is marked by what appears to be rivulets of blood from wounds in the wrists, feet and sides.
Vatican scientists are at a loss to explain how these images were left on the second cloth, now recognized as as the “new, God’s only recognized Shroud of Turin”. Much in the same manner that the 13th century Turinist scientists were at a loss with their own “original Shroud of Turin”.

Mr. Girasolli smiled when asked about the appearance of this second cloth 700 years later. “I have only to say that the Holy Father is very pleased that one of God’s children saw fit to bring this newly sacred cloth to the Vatican, as opposed to all the lesser religious centers available here in Rome and throughout the world.”

He continued, “The Holy Father also wishes to remind the faithful that it is possible that the Shroud is not authentic. Just that if it would ever be considered to be such, then he declares that this one should be the one that would be the most easily viewed and understood. He firmly believes in the weight of a Papal Decree at this point. It has the same bearing as a Spanish Inquisiton.”

Asked about the current standing of the previously sacred Shroud, Mr. Girasolli calmly raised his hand to stop the questioner, “Please, please let’s not add any more drama to this excitement without the presence of our Holy Father and Pope, Benedict XVI.

“He would rather that you concentrate on the deeply religious meaning in the discovery of this newer relic of our Christ. The “other” stained fabric is left to the people of Turin and their rather limited Cathedral to decide what they wish to do with it. This newly consecrated Shroud will be kept safely in the Vatican Museum under the watchful eye of the Swiss Guard.

“The Holy Father feels,” I might add, “that the almost destructive fate of the 1997 Guarini Chapel fire on the previous cloth, it is a signal from God that the next Shroud to visit the earth had better be kept more safely in Vatican City. We have a State-of-the-Art fire control system.”

Mr. Girasolli quietly left the press conference.