David Letterman Accepts Sex Revelations Humility, Ratings Boon

David Letterman has been preaching a daily tell-all on his nightly TV shows, almost boasting about his sexual exploits with his staff. His ratings have gone through the roof and other late night TV hosts are now paying attention to this gimmick, which has leapt him ahead in the cut-throat TV ratings game.

David Letterman has been discussing his premarital and extra-marital sexual encounters with his female staff in almost creepy detail. According to a soon-to-be-released interview in Sunset Magazine, he will next be sharing his pick-up techniques, as well as displaying some of his favorite sex toys and lubricants.

His comments are giving Human Resource managers all over the country second thoughts about the time they spend conducting sexual harassment training. After all, how are you going to stop two consenting adults from having relations when the underling really, really wants exactly that kind of attention from her boss?

Two of David Letterman’s friends, including Steve Martin and Martin Short, appeared on his show this week, relishing the startling details of the situation, and joking with David Letterman about his sexual escapades. It bolsters the fact that celebrities have their own set of rules the rest of the rest of country does not live by, which explains at least in part their political stances.

These are the same Hollywood elite that have called the arrest of Roman Polanski for the confessed drugging and sodomizing of a 13-year-old girl a travesty. After all, he lived on the lam for 31 years, so hasn’t he suffered enough? Hollywood says yes, and they’ll build a sign in the hills saying as much if they think it will help.

David Letterman will have to receive proper punishment for his dalliances in absence of any remorse on his part other than that he was caught “in flagrante delicto”. His punishment will be that he will receive 20 lashings on his television show. His laptop, cell phone and limousine will be confiscated since they were used in committing these heinous acts, though according to representatives for his wife, this is for “cleaning and sanitation purposes.”

He will also be permanently banned having access to the “isolation” room in the Worldwide Pants offices, which punsters agree is a real blow to his own, more localized, pants.

A representative for David Letterman said that he “wishes to express his deepest regrets,” but added, presumably after he believed the interview was over, that “With all the other sex scandals going on, this one’s going to be swept under the rug in no time. Besides, you should see his pre-nup with Regina, it’s the size of an encyclopedia.”