NASA Headquarters, Houston, TX –by BobZaguy Evangelical pastor Rick Warren has taken on the quest that will bring him into planetary orbit, the ultimate God-like experience. This is an attempt to orbit with the planets, hoping to replace Pluto, whose name is an alternate for Hades, the Greek god of the Underworld.
Pluto has been downgraded to a larger-than-life dwarf planet, on the order of the recently discovered scattered disc object, Limbaugh451 – a small, cigar-shaped, red-faced ornament rotating sideways in the galaxy.
As the new ninth planet in the solar system, Dr. Warren is 27% larger than the mass that he replaces.
Warren’s solarization, if you will, happened this past Sunday. To be able to achieve orbit, Mr. Warren had to cancel his appearance on ABC’s “This Week” just “moments before the scheduled interview,” host George Stephanopoulos told his viewers. Even though the TV interview would be taped on Saturday by phone, Dr. Warren didn’t want the audience to think that he could be in two places at once on Sunday, so he feigned exhaustion.
Warren’s representatives were sworn to secrecy on the possible orbital move and the church’s spokesperson simply said the preacher was “sick with exhaustion.”
Here’s what Warren said, after quickly recovering from his exhaustion, at one of the 14 sermons he was scheduled to preach for his congregation of 20,000+ in California. “Everybody knows what I believe about it.”
In a phone-in interview with Larry King, Warren said: “I feel I never have been, never will be able to achieve orbit as a planet, but it’s what I sense God wants from me.”
He continued to explain, “Somebody in my church said, Pastor Rick, what — what do you truly think about this? And I sent a note to this member saying I actually believe that planetary orbit is — really should be defined, that that definition should be — something that I really want to do for God’s greater glory.”
“Easter weekend is the Super Bowl of Saddleback. Eclipsing its distant second Christmas festival. Upwards of 43,000 to attend 13 separate service times at 43 service venues and locations — weeks of preparation by the pastor and his team.
Dr. Warren was informed that he would have to clear his schedule of interviews and preaching appearances in order to prepare for orbit so he could be back in the pulpit without anyone missing him, next Sunday.
To hide the orbit attempt, it was leaked to Fox News that Dr. Warren’s condition was related to exhaustion, which affected his voice. George Stephanopoulos was told of the sudden inability to pre-tape on Saturday.
Dr. Warren said he was “looking forward to the opportunity to reframe the picture for television viewers about the orbit situation.”
The church public affairs office sent out this statement: “Throughout his nearly 30 years of ministry, Pastor Warren has become committed to the probability of his purpose — orbiting the world — a position not held by any other Evangelical pastors. He has further stressed that for 5,000 years, EVERY culture and EVERY religion has maintained this purpose.
“Because he’s a pastor, not an activist, in response to inquiries from church members, he issued an email and video message to his congregation a few days before the orbit attempt confirming where he and Saddleback Church stood on this issue.
“Being able to orbit the sun is the greatest purpose of life. Everyone should be able to do this, but not everyone will be allowed. I am thankful that I have been chosen for this great purpose in my life.”
The email and video were ended with a request for minimum $100 donations to assure the continuation of Dr. Warren’s purpose in life.