MISSISSIPPI— Paula McClure (48) a housewife and occasional churchgoer, was watching television. Not Netflix on a television, but honest to God TV with commercials and all.
Today Paula has disconnected from the internet entirely because the Supreme Court ruled that section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act was unconstitutional and that the California’s Prop 8 had no legal standing to be reviewed before the Supreme Court. Her world is inside out.
Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!
“I can’t go on Facebook. Everyone is saying how this is a great move for equality, but what nobody is talking about is whether this is a great move for Jesus. The whole internet is sinful, even the Netflix!”
Polls show more than half of Americans support the legalization of similar and same-sex marriages. When the news came out that America had become a slightly less douchey, McClure’s Facebook feed exploded with celebratory statuses and links to the least Godly corner of the internet; the Huffington Post.
“It was hard enough surviving Profile Picture Equal Sign Day,” McClure said weeping gently into a limited edition George W. Bush commemorative handkerchief. “I lost so many friends that day, and nearly sprained my finger clicking ‘hide’ or ‘unfriend.’ Is it so much to ask that I can connect to the civilized world while still sheltering myself from people of civilization?”
Facebook has reported record high account deactivations, while Myspace has shattered its reach goal of getting more than eight new accounts in 2013. John Foster (32) Myspace’s only remaining employee said, “We’re not surprised! The people leaving Facebook want to go back to the good old days of the Bush administration, when being an oppressive Christian radical wasn’t just cool, it was the American way.” Adding, “and let’s be honest, MySpace is very 2005.”
Facebook has yet to respond to McClure’s requests to create a politics filter, “I just want to go on Facebook, praise the lord, post my Bible verse of the day, repost some pictures from “Obamaisantichrist.com,” and get on with my life! I want to share my worldview, not be attacked with other people’s!”
On the ruling itself McClure said, “This is a Christian nation. It is the job of the government to corral people into heaven whether they believe in it or not. And those poor Californians having prop 8 overturned like that? I thought this was a democracy!”
“This isn’t a true democracy,” Dr. Alan Sacco (55) professor of political science at the University of California, Los Angeles responded, “It’s a republic. It has rules and regulations which are designed to allow the majority to rule, but never at the expense of the rights of the minority. Ideally this is to avoid the legalization of a bunch of little things like slavery, rape, or genocide. That is if they become popular. People who say otherwise are what we academics call ‘dumb fucks’ or ‘dumb-tarded’ or sometimes ‘Derpy Hooves.’”
According to Dr. Sacco, avoiding tyranny was a big deal with the founding fathers for some reason. It can be seen all over the government system. They had separation of church and state to avoid forcing specific religious laws on people who do not believe in them. There are multiple branches of government with checks and balances to ensure the constitution is upheld and powers aren’t abused. “And of course there’s the second amendment which was in case the cowboys were attacked by aliens.”
Whether America is a republic, a democracy, or just a massive shared hallucination generated by Satan’s leather wearing sadomasochist, Illuminati eagles, Paula McClure and the poor homophobes like her have been marginalized by a tolerant society. “Life without the internet is terrible. I don’t know when anyone’s birthday is, and if a TV show ends in a cliffhanger, I have to wait an entire week to see what happens!”