It started out innocently enough. My wife asked me to go to Costco because we were low on shampoo. Perhaps I should not have gone on Black Friday, when Costco had everything on sale.
The second I breached the entrance of Costco, I was immediately confronted by a bank of alluring gigantic flat screen HDTVs showing exotic tropical waterfalls. Wow! Some in 3-D. Hey, look. If you buy the home theatre sound system package, you can get a 55” flat screen HDTV for only $1,449.99 (big savings today only). What a bargain. So I added an LG 55″ Class 3D 1080p 120Hz LED HDTV with 4 Pairs of 3D Glasses to my flatbed cart.
As I was lugging my cart towards the shampoo aisle, I couldn’t help but notice the festive Christmas tree display. An 8-ft Pre-Lit Clear Mixed Country Artificial Pine ChristmasTree complete with 800 Clear Dura-Lit Mini-lights for $20 off! Wow! It looks so real. By buying it, I’d be doing my part to save the world’s endangered commercial tree farms. So I added the artificial tree with mini-lights to the cart.
On to the shampoo aisle. After all, that is why I came here today. Just before I reached the shampoo section, I noticed this really cool 3-speed nail gun in the hardware aisle. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always wanted one of those. It’s just $79.99 (regularly $99.99). So I added it to my cart. And if you’re going to buy a nail gun, you might as well make sure you have an electric drill – oh, and the accompanying Black & Decker 300-piece Ultimate Super Drill Bit Set for just $69.99 more. Oh sure, the last time I used a high-speed drill was in 1987 when I tried unsuccessfully to build shelving for our garage. But you never know when you may need to build a jungle gym for your darling grandchildren (whom I hope to have within the next 15 years).
I almost made it to the shampoo aisle, when I noticed quite the commotion to my left. There was this fruit juicer demonstration going on. Must have been 25 people watching this pitchman convert what looked to be kiwi fruit, bananas and Lego blocks into a delicious fruit smoothie in seconds. Wow! But this wasn’t just ANY juicer. This was the Vitamix 5200 Ultimate Juicer & Blender, on sale today only for just $649.99. I know what you’re saying – isn’t that a bit steep for a juicer? Not when I tell you that it comes with a lifetime warranty on everything but the blade and the motor and they even throw in a Masters Collection 7″ Santoku Knife and a juicer recipe DVD. So I added it to the cart.
The thought of having fruit smoothies for breakfast got me thinking about health and fitness. Which is why I decided to purchase the XTERRA® FS5.25e3 Position Adjustable Incline Ergonomic 20” Stride Elliptical for only $1,229.99. Before you think I went overboard, I should point out it has 15 different resistance settings and it only requires some assembly. Besides, I bought it for the whole family, not for myself.
And what’s better after a vigorous workout than a cold beer? That’s why I decided to also purchase the Wine Enthusiast N’FINITY 340-bottle Multi-temp Glass Door Wine Cellar for only $2,999.99. Okay, I admit I don’t drink wine – or beer for that matter – but I will bet you it can easily double as a fruit – vegetable crisper, so it’s really a smart buy when you think about it. Into the cart.
As I was lugging my series of flatbed carts ever close to the shampoo aisle, I happened upon the garden center display. I have to tell you, that all-weather wrought iron patio set with collapsible umbrella looked awfully enticing. But I was not about to succumb to that temptation – not when I already owned two other patio sets from previous trips to Costco. No, it would be much smarter to spontaneously splurge on an EasyGrow 8′ x 8′ Greenhouse with Full Shelving, Double Doors and Three Vents, for only $1,299.99. I actually had never thought about taking up flower gardening until precisely that instant. But then I thought, what a wonderful hobby to do with the Mrs., when we retire 18 years from now. She will respect that I am planning ahead. So I added it to the cart.
Not sure how long this buying contagion lasted. It all was a bit of a blur. One incredible bargain after another: a two-in-one gas-powered tiller-mulcher (for that exquisitely thatched lawn), a four-case pack of Little Hottie hand warmers – perfect for when you’re trapped in an avalanche for two weeks in some Wyoming mountain range – and a twelve-month supply of Huggies disposable diapers. I know, our kids are all grown up, but the savings were simply too great to pass up.
I kept adding more and more items to flatbed carts. It wasn’t until I walked out the exit with a Dayton Solid Wood Casket with the Off White Full Velvet Interior and gold-plated swing bar handles in tow that I realized I had gone completely out of control. What had I done? I rationalized the casket purchase because with everything I had just charged to our credit card, a casket might actually come in very handy, as for sure my wife was going to kill me.
Shopping at Costco can be a dangerous adventure for any married male. As I sit here, writing about my reckless Costco Black Friday buying binge, I have this nagging feeling that despite everything I bought, I still forgot to get something. For the life of me, I can’t think of what it might be….
Oh, crap. Shampoo.
Come on dude, if I don't throw the basketball hoop in my cart, the terrorists win.