Fossils Fuel Heated Debate Between US Ski Resorts

California’s Mammoth Mountain has long been regarded as superior to Colorado’s Snowmass ski resort. Smug shrugs turned to doubtful whispers this week on news Snowmass now has a huge ‘but’ to add to the friendly rivalry.

Snowmass has a REAL mammoth, and a mastodon, and a couple prehistoric bison, and a ground sloth the size of an opera singer, and I am not making this up. During recent efforts to enlarge Zeigler reservoir, the crew unearthed a huge bone. Then another. Then a lot. And they weren’t no chicken bones. Scientists now speculate the site was once the compound of some Pleistocene doomsday cult for large furry animals.

The Denver Museum has enthusiastically proclaimed it the holy grail of U.S. paleontology finds. Over 5,000 bones and fragments were found. The find is so big researchers had to call in extras to help excavate, and the whole damned place looked like an Indiana Jones movie set. Now the excited scientists are busy putting the pieces together like grannies with a naked George Clooney jigsaw puzzle at the retirement home.

The tally so far is four Columbian mammoths, parts of thirty (!) mastodons, four prehistoric deer, four Ice Age bison and a giant ground sloth. Reservoir expansion has been put on hold, and money has been earmarked for a museum to house the skeletons. The museum is expected to draw flocks of tourists for reasons other than skiing, hiking, carousing and generally annoying the locals. As if Aspen ever had a shortfall of tourists.

Tourism experts predict trouble from California’s Mammoth Mountain. The Golden State attraction now has zilch, namesake wise. A couple bears maybe, but no cool prehistoric fuzzy behemoths.

This could lead to some momentous difficulties. What if Snowmass wants Mammoth’s name? One would have to admit, it does seem more appropriate for them. Mammoth hasn’t even come up with one real mammoth yet. Unless you count that big statue across from the main ski lodge.

Sources close to Michael Douglas and his incredibly smokin’ hot wife say moves are already underway to strip Mammoth Mountain of its moniker. The coalition includes Jack Nicholson, Steve Martin, and that girl who used to date Joe Walsh. Experts say they are richer, they have more political pull, and they feel like it.

Mammoth Mountain is expected to be forced to take Snowmass as its future name. Big whoopee. After last year’s 700 inch snow dump it would have been appropriate, but not this year’s dismal minute flurries. ‘Snowmass’ somehow lacks the power and majesty of ‘Mammoth’ has. Then again, maybe if they dug around a bit they could find their own mammoth and legitimately regain the title. Or maybe find a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Wouldn’t it be too cool to have a ski resort named T-Rex?

In this politically charged election year, the controversy has entered the GOP primary race dialogue. Candidate Santorum today released a statement linking the extinction of ‘Dinosaur-Mammoths’ to Pleistocene Planned Parenthood clinics.

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at