Halp Mee, Mi Branes Gott Suked Out

This is a dasparate kry fer help!
Pleeze reed this and havve mercy on mee!

The other dai I wuz vacuming my room. I puled the atachment off and held it up to my eer to sea if something kloged it. Sudenly it vacumed my brane out!

Don’t lagh, damit! This is reely seerious!

The bastard thing suked the nurons right out of my scull. It maid a big slurping sownd as it exited.
They say without immediate sergery I kud be left with a life long impudiment.
Of corse it wood help to find the brane first.
It loks like my mother who I live wit has cleaned out the vacum and thrown my braine away.

It iz reely hard getting through the dai without it.

Wen ey get out of bed in the morning I don’t know weather ey shuld put mi fete on the flor oer mai hands furst.

Sum days ey wash my fase in the toylet and poop in the washerr.

I tri to dres miself, but sometimes I putt my pants on my hed and mi shirt on down belo and I end up walking downtown wit mi notty bits hangin out.

I putt the kat out the dore but it wuz the mikrowaiv and it exxplooded kat peeces all over the citchen.

Not having a braine animore made me loze mai job as a komputerr operattore. I deleted the whole hard drive of the main server that we hadd. The Bos chased mee for bloks.

I dont nowe now wat ey can doo for work. There are knot mani jobs yu can do without no branes. Sum people tel me ey cud be a model or a tv starr. Sum even think I cud be Prezident like Gorge Bush wuz.

Now wen I sea that movie “Wissard Of Odds” ey git all chokd up wen that skarecrow sings “If Ey Only Had A Brane”. Ey know how hee feels now. Maybee ey kan find that Wissard and he’ll git me a brane. Trubble is ey’ll probably git lost tryin to find himm. I git lost trying to find my wai to the floor even with gravity halping mee.

So peeple, hav a hart and help mee out in my plite. Pleeze send donations fur my sergery to Idiots Anonymouse, P.O. Box 7463, Farebanks, Alaska. 93873.

Orr,if you happen to live in the Farebanks area, could yu pleeze go to the dump and see if you can find any branes liing around? Hopefully the ravens haven’t torn them appart yet. If they have, still bring watever peces youu do find. Maibe my mum can stich them back together.

Thenk eeeeeyoooo-ewe-ewe (pew pew pew!)