Woman Injured After Practicing Faulty Feng Shui

Gladys Schumwerner of Columbus, Ohio suffered a broken finger and several lacerations after the laughing Buddha she attached to a wire hanging from her ceiling fell, hitting her squarely in the left hand. It was the third in several unfortunate mishaps since Gladys decided to change her luck by re-arranging her home to allow the chi to flow more effectively.

“It’s called Feng Shui,” said Gladys from the emergency room of the Mercy Medical Center near her home, “and it is supposed to make your life better as you practice it.” But Schumwerner admits the only thing she’s gotten out of it so far is bad luck.

Just last week, Gladys was taken to the emergency room with slight burns on her scalp. “I was trying to arrange Tibetan prayer flags on by back patio,” said Gladys. “I’ve always loved the colorful square patches of material. Unfortunately, I lost my grip on the flags and the string of them fell across the lit citronella candle I had on a nearby table. Who knew those suckers were so flammable?”

Gladys admits she may have cut a few cosmic corners in trying to ‘Feng Shui’ her home and surroundings. But she says not everything was entirely her fault. For instance, she claims that the electric miniature ‘Abundance Fountain’ she bought at the dollar store was defective. “So much for saving money,” said Gladys. “That tripping incident cost me two chipped teeth and a sprained ankle,” she added with a slight whistle.

Asked if she was finished with trying to change her luck, Gladys said she wasn’t. “I still firmly believe in Feng Shui, but now I’m proof positive that it has a dark side. From now on, I’m gonna stick with what I know.” Which is? “Rabbits’ feet, four-leaf clovers, and lots and lots of prayer,” she answered.

Author: P. Beckert

P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at ISaidLaughDammit.blogspot.com.

7 thoughts on “Woman Injured After Practicing Faulty Feng Shui

  1. Love the whistling chipped tooth sounds, they are so hard to write. But you nailed it here Patti.
    Lots of nailin’ goin’ on here it seems.

  2. Oh wait, you mean this site isn’t reporting 100% factual news??? I guess the slogan shoulda warned me.

  3. It’s not fair as to simply accuse something you (factually) don’t know. I doubt Ms.Gladys Schumwerner really understand what is “Fengshui”!?

  4. i don’t know who this Feng Shui guy is, but if he comes in my place and so much as lays one Oriental finger on my furniture I will do major Feng Shui on his internal organs with my shotgun.

  5. We laugh but it is actually true – Feng Shui done wrongly causes problems. Feng Shui is like financial accounts. You don’t need to practice it for it to be there in your life. Just as well have accounts, we all have Feng Shui, just some of us pay attention to it whilst others do not.

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