San Vincente, Bolivia (GlossyNews) — Reporters Without Borders spokesperson Kay O’Varian today announced fears about the fate of legendary Glossy News writer Blake Pennywhistle. “We all know Blake. He’s like an Edward R. Murrow in our profession, except half-drunk all the time and with the vocabulary of a developmentally challenged twelve year old. And we all know his bad breath could knock over a statue, but this just isn’t like him, dropping off the radar suddenly and completely.”
Ms. O’Varian went on to address the prevalent rumor swirling around the famed journalist’s abrupt disappearance. “We all know there are some Latin American paramilitary groups with close ties to the CIA; I read that on somebody’s blog. Mr. Pennywhistle has always been a ‘take no prisoners’ kind of reporter, and Latin America can be a very violent place, nearly bad as Detroit at times. The point is, we just don’t know. We must come together, seeking our faith heritage, whatever it may be, and pray for Blake’s safe return. We should also be thoughtful of Mr. Pennywhistle’s several ex-wives and also that girl in Chino with a child that doesn’t look like Blake, which of course his childhood friend Jerry Garcia wrote a song about.”
After heated questioning, O’Varian answered the charge quickly gaining traction in the blogosphere; Pennywhistle was perhaps a victim of UFO abduction. “Yes, I’m aware of the Santiago Hilton cleaning lady report, and it’s intriguing; I’m not discounting it. She saw Pennywhistle at the pool, and then a blinding light of some sort. She continued on her rounds, and arriving at Blake’s room found two naked teenage girls, quite drunk and disoriented. I’ve discussed this with my ‘Reporters Without Borders’ colleagues, and while we all agree it’s possible, we can’t figure out what a higher intelligence species would want with Mr. Pennywhistle. If they’d abduct him, they must not be very smart.”
Perhaps here, in Bolivia, where the legends of Butch Cassidy, the Sundance Kid and Che Guevara came to rest in the rugged countryside, so too might the story of Blake Pennywhistle have spent itself in the clutches of the local CIA warlord.
Its about time one of them got offed.
They are getting as thick as flies around here.