2009 So Not-Father of the Year Award Nominations Announced

The year 2009 saw a plethora of bad daddy behavior around the country and we, at Glossy News, thought we’d take the low road and list some of our favorites. Although we are using a numbering system to count the dads down, in our book, they all deserve to receive the #1 worst father of the year award.

10. On April 2, 2009 at approximately 3 a.m., Robert Daniel Webb had a hankering for a hot cup of coffee, got his little 9-year-old daughter, Meadow, out of bed, and drove the two of them down to the local AM/PM Mini Mart in Ellensburg, Washington where he proceeded to rob the store. The only reason he didn’t make the top of this list is that he told his daughter, “get anything you want, sweetheart, it’s on daddy this time,” as he pointed a semi-automatic weapon at the store clerk.

9. Richard Heene, father of the now infamous “Balloon Boy” 6-year-old Falcon Heene, made headlines on October 15, 2009 when he orchestrated a hoax from his Fort Collins, Colorado home that had the entire country glued to their television sets watching what they thought was Falcon floating above the earth in a home-made “flying saucer-type” balloon.

Why, you ask, would daddy go to such lengths to involve his whole family in this type of behavior? Oh, yeah, money. Seems Mr. Heene was delusional enough to think that if he could pull off a hoax of this magnitude, he’d catch the attention of Bravo or TLC or any number of other cable channels looking for the next big reality television sensation. As much as we would have loved to see another dysfunctional family tear each other to bits on cable TV for the almighty dollar, the only thing Heene and his wife ended up getting from the stunt was some jail time. What a wacky dad you’ve got there, Falcon.

8. Michael Lohan, father of actress, Lindsay Lohan, was arrested for criminal contempt on December 14, 2009 for allegedly violating a protective order by threatening to kill his girlfriend and himself if she left him. Here’s a tip, Daddy Lohan. Acting and “acting out” are two very different things. Lose the anger.

7. Michael Monahan claims he loves his two sons, 3 and 6, and that is the reason he allowed them to play in the trunk of his car, with the lid closed of course, while he ran an errand in Fall River, Massachusetts on November 27, 2009. The judge who heard his case loves the boys too, evidently, because the boys are now in the custody of their mother.

6. Enrique Gonzalez of Fresno, California apparently doesn’t know the difference between branding cattle and branding your own son when, on April 23, 2009, he decided it was time to have a gang symbol of a bulldog tattooed on his 7-year-old son. Accounts differ as to whether or not he should get the worst father of the year award or the best father of the year award, because as Gonzalez tells it, “I just did what my son asked. He asked for a tattoo so he could be just like me.” Ah, fatherly love.

5. On or about February 8, 2009, Bradenton, Florida resident Mark Berlanger was all partied out when he handed the keys of his van to his 8-year-old boy and told him “take the wheel, Buddy, cause daddy’s too tired to drive.” After narrowly missing two pedestrians, the boy crashed into two trees and shortly thereafter police arrived to give daddy his award, some jail time. When asked why he did it, the man told police that he had taken a tad too much Xanax and felt it was the perfect opportunity to “do some bonding with my son.” Word of advice, Mark, it’s tough for your kid to “bond” with you when you’re passed out in the passenger seat of the family van.

4. It didn’t take Adam Manning of Ogden, Utah long to figure out that he wasn’t cut out to be a daddy just yet when, in October, 2009, he sexually assaulted the nurse who was wheeling his wife into the delivery room to deliver their first child. While Adam was being arrested for sexual assault for grabbing the breast of the nearest nurse, his wife was giving birth to their first child. Nice going, dad. Won’t you have some funny stories to tell the kid on future fathers’ day celebrations. Betcha can’t wait to get the wife knocked up again, just so you can go on a second date with Nurse Betty.

3. American Idol Runner-up, David Archuleta’s dad, Jeffrey Archuleta, is now known for more than his undying love for his talented son. He is also known as the guy who, on January 14, 2009, was caught with his pants down in a raid on a massage parlour in Midvale, Utah. Seems daddy Archuleta was caught “receiving services” from a masseuse and let’s just say there was more than a little Reiki going on. To be fair, Jeffrey Archuleta’s attorney says that his client was in the wrong place at the wrong time. “He was there seeking relief for a back problem and before he knew it, his pants were down and he was being handcuffed.” Shortly thereafter, the police showed up and arrested him.

2. Here’s a tip for Michael Serrano of Chula Vista, California: If you are going to show up at every one of your kid’s little league baseball games and you’re the district secretary for the local chapter for Little League Baseball, then wear a ski mask, not just a ski cap, when you are robbing the local banks so that your son’s friend’s father, who just happens to attend the same games and who, incidentally happens to be a law enforcement officer, doesn’t recognize you as the robber.

1. Jon Gosselin. Although, to be fair, he had more than a little help from Kate.

Author: P. Beckert

P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at ISaidLaughDammit.blogspot.com.