Pub Crawl Criticized as Destruction Derby for Livers

A High Court judge sitting at the Old Bailey went totally ballistic and spit the dummy yesterday concerning the supposed ‘professional’ activities of a leisure company titled Carnage UK which organises drink-fuelled nights out for undergraduate student hooligans – one of whom now faces jail for urinating on a war memorial, two Chelsea pensioners and a Beefeater.

So, WTF is Carnage UK and what does a night out with them entail?

While students are renown for scoring top grades when it comes to organising debauched piss-ups and benders, now even private ‘entertainment’ companies are jumping on the bandwagon in assisting them to achieve that end.

In Smegmadale-on-Sea last Saturday night – to celebrate Halloween – scores of students joined Carnage UK’s fancy dress tour of bars and pubs – with a stop at the local mortuary for a ‘cold grope’ – the latest in a series of events the company runs across the towns and cities of the British isles.

For a basic fee of ten quid teenagers are given a t-shirt and a large barf bag – and free entry to bars and clubs, many of which offer cheap shots of dodgy liquors like Meths Breezers and Sunny D’ with a splash of paint thinners.

For some it’s harmless fun, but the president of the National Union of Alcoholics, Ghengis McTwat, told one reporter from the Daily Shitraker the pub crawls put students’ welfare on the line.

“It seems to me Carnage UK does what it says in their adverts. It gets lots of students together in one place at one time to go on pub and club crawls which cause real ‘carnage’ and mayhem in town centres once the kids get a gutful of Old Headbanger or Bitch Thumper lager and it all ends up a right spewfest and free-for-all punch-up.

“This puts students’ welfare at risk and leads to anti-social behaviour – like when one group of Carnage’s pissed-up mobs doing the midnight rounds of Scumford lynched a plastic plod Community Service Officer for being a bit of a dork – then tossed his body into the River Scum.”

Twatsborough Student Union president Mohammed al Mohammad told Fux News he was “very concerned” about the effect the events were having on people living in the town.

Mohammad claimed he once helped steward a Carnage UK event at Kuntingham in 2008, saying “I don’t believe they promote responsible drinking when the sole object is to get as drunk as possible.”

“All I saw was alcohol being swigged back like it was going out of fashion – then when I admonished and reproached the group to take it easy on the loony juice they pissed all over my feet – and in my handbag and anorak pockets.”

“Believe me, that is very insulting for a devout Muslim transvestite like myself.”

Sheffield Hallam University student Percy Fuctifino, 16, from Numptyfield in Cheshire, is a case in point.
He was photographed on CCTV – and by the local council’s Renta-Snitch Civil Enforcement Officers – relieving himself on a war memorial and a wreath of poppies during a Carnage UK-sponsored drinking session and totally blotto – and was informed he could face jail for the offence.

District Judge Albert Pierrepoint informed Mr. Fuctiiino in court: “Carnage is the name of the organisation who promote this type of activity and some might say that somebody from their managerial ranks should be standing alongside you in the dock this morning.”

Conversely, Mr. Quentin de Twatte QC, defending, spoke on behalf of Mr. Fuctifino – a political science student.

“My client at the time of the incident was, we freely admit, totally shitfaced and out of his skull on cheap plonk supplied by Carnage UK.”

“However, at the time, he was considering the base philosophy engraved into the war memorial when erected in 1918 at the end of the First World War – ‘Lest We Forget’.”

“Considering the world abruptly forgot and kicked off World War Two, then Korea, Vietnam, and a plethora of other asinine bloody conflicts – including this current fiasco in Afghanistan – the veritable Graveyard of Empires – the engraved legend is, in all truth, a statement of pure hypocrisy and deserved pissing on. I rest my case.”

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via