National Enquirer — An intrepid National Enquirer reporter has managed the near-impossible: gain access to the Obama compound on Martha’s Vineyard posing as a landscaper. During his time at the estate, John Smith discovered a hiding place in the bushes outside a screened-in porch where top advisors gathered to discuss political strategy. Following is a partial transcript of one of the sessions Smith taped:
MICHELLE: I’m running today’s meeting. Barack’s playing golf with Tiger. Rahm, won’t these deficit numbers kill us in the polls?
EMANUEL: We’ve instructed Rasmussen and Gallup to sample only inner city voters now, internals shared only with us and the CIA. Bob, defer inquiries to Panetta. Leon, you say you can’t comment on that information.
PANETTA: What information?
MICHELLE: Never mind. David, we’re going to look like elitists vacationing here. How do we counter that?
AXELROD: I’ll arrange a small oil spill off Oak Bluffs. We’ll have reporters observe you and Barack rescuing seabirds from the muck. Also, we’ve scheduled a photo op of the President chopping down and clearing wild arugula near the tennis courts.
MICHELLE: Good. Valerie, hire local handymen to throw up a shack near our compound. Then have Habitat for Humanity come in for a renovation. We’ll pound nails for the cameras before we head to the beach. Joe?
BIDEN: You folks relax. I’ll head back to Washington—I’m way behind on my stimulus spending.
MICHELLE: Geithner, the President wants a draft ASAP on his vision for bringing the world together through American largesse. He’s calling it, ”Tax Americana.”
Smith was able to tape several high-level strategy meetings before an alert Secret Service agent pulled him aside from his landscaping duties one day and said, “Hey, you don’t look like an illegal.” His cover blown, Smith returned to his reporter’s desk in Los Angeles to write about his experience.