York, NY – US Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) Chairman Jay Clayton, in a joint press conference with Secretary of Commerce (SOC) Wilber Ross and Secretary of the Treasury Steve Mnuchin, announced plans to allow the trading of Human Beings on the Commodities Markets, Friday morning.
“This has been a long time in the making,” an enthusiastic Chairman Clayton proclaimed from the steps of the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE). “Not since the years leading up to the Civil War have leaders had the necessary tools of an established market to effectively gauge the value of human life. We believe this will make such a determination much easier.”
“We went back and forth on this for quite some time,” a sweaty Secretary Mnuchin added, “but last week we had a major breakthrough. Thanks in part to the Saudi’s execution of Jamal Khashoggi, coupled with President Trump’s insistence that he wouldn’t allow the death of one American resident to jeopardize a $100 million arms deal… We feel we now have a baseline to work with. Obviously, being that Khashoggi is neither Caucasian, nor an American citizen, the valuation has to be taken with a grain of salt, but this is a very promising start.”
“It should be noted,” added a trembling Secretary Ross, “That even if we began trading at a low ball figure of $1000.00 dollars per human, we will instantly add $7.7 Trillion of value to global trading markets, $325 Billion in the United States alone. If Khashoggi’s established value were to hold for Americans on the whole, the value would represent a number that is so large, it doesn’t even have a name. I for one, recommend the value be known as a Trumptillion.”
This reporter reached out to a few financial analysts for their opinion of what this announcement could mean for the financial markets.
Levi Borges, an analyst with Goldman Sachs was enthusiastic about the news. “This is what our industry has been waiting for. Imagine the ramifications of giving every person on the planet the equivalent of $1000.00. We’ve already seen with government refund checks in the past that people are just going to buy themselves a new iPhone and call it good. This is gonna be great.”
Richard James, a top asset manager with Wells Fargo told me, “This thing is way bigger that simply trading life and death values on the market. People tend to forget that human beings can be exploited in all sorts of ways that don’t necessarily result in death. You have to consider that there’s human trafficking, sexual exploitation, not to mention Americas original sin; forced labor. The possibilities here are endless.”
Travis Arnold, a Mutual Fund manager based in New York, asked that we not name the Fund he manages in exchange for comment. “I do Mutual funds, and as far as Funds are concerned, this is exciting news. If you’re familiar with the scene in Braveheart where Mel Gibson is hugng, drawn and quartered, than you’ll understand where I’m going with this. Just think about it. Soon we’ll be able to acquire a person, divvy them up into little pieces, bundle those with other peoples parts, then sell those bundles back to the public. This is very exciting. One day in the very near future I may get to own a piece of Mr. Braveheart himself.”
Individuals from other industries were not nearly as excited about the announcement.
Juan, a kidnapper based in the Colombian capital of Bogata, who asked that his last name be omitted so that he could speak candidly, expressed reservations, “While this may drive up the ransom value of the average American tourist, I fear it may inadvertently drive down the price of the wealthy and affluent. If I were in the business of kidnapping in bulk, this would be a boon… Unfortunately that is not the case. There’s a rule of thumb we tend to follow in my industry… You choose quality over quantity every time.”
Tom Farnsworth, an insurance broker with Berkshire Hathaway offered similar concerns. “My entire industry has been reliant on the premise that an individual will almost always overestimate the value of their lives, and are willing to pay for it accordingly. For the insurance industry as a whole to work, we are reliant on people shelling out thousands of dollars a year to ensure this perceived value. If trading were to open at Secretary Ross’ estimate of $1000.00 per person, it would ruin our industry before the sound of the first bell. This is an unmitigated disaster.”
Lexus, a high end escort who lives in Manhattan agreed. “This will ruin the market for beautiful prostitutes across the country. Right now we rely on the basic free market principles of supply and demand. In a free market you get to set your price and based on your volume of business decide whether or not you should charge more or less for your services. As a beautiful woman who is not addicted to crack, I can make thousands of dollars in one evening. I don’t think it’s fair that my valuation may be effected by sex workers in lesser developed parts of the world; places where appearances don’t matter nearly as much, and virtually all the girls are forced into drug addiction. This is just another example of the government sticking their nose in places they don’t belong.”
Many prominent world leaders offered opinions on the issue as well.
Kim, a dictator who asked that we not mention his country of origin was visibly shaken. “This is just another example of American overreach on the world stage. Who are they to tell the rest of us how much or little our citizens are worth? I don’t care what dollar amount they settle on, there is nothing they can do or say that will change my belief that every human being not named Kim is worthless.”
Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman was adamant, “I strongly agree with Secretary Ross’ valuation of human life. Hopefully they’ll put this in writing… the sooner the better.”
Angela Merkel, the Chancellor of Germany offered a different take. “Umm… I thought we learned this lesson the last time. The value of an individual’s life cannot be quantified in financial terms. All human beings are important; all of our contributions are valuable. This is horrifying.”
President Trump was exuberant in his response. “The Trumptillion… What a great name. We’re back baby, America is officially great once again.”
