Following months of speculation, the governor’s office has this morning confirmed what red-blooded, God-fearing Americans have long suspected. He’s a sick and dying man.
“I’ve always fought hard against the ills that plague us, but I’m more comfortable when it’s welfare queens and not [leukemia],” said Scott in front of the governor’s mansion.
“But I vow to beat this just like I would a Cuban immigrant here to take your job.”
RIGHT: This is actually a picture of Australian MP Peter Garrett, formerly of the band Midnight Oil. Didn’t know that, did you?
An oncologist at the hospital where Scott is a patient eagerly offered, “I can’t talk to you about patients or their care. I can’t even confirm if Rick Scott is a patient here.”
When confronted with the fact that we never gave the name of the patient in question, he became white with fear, “Oh God, I’ve said too much. I took an oath!”
Representatives from Scott’s office refused to take questions after the briefing, but several of them hung around to field “background” questions. One man, we’ll call him Billiam Banderson, said, “oh he’s as good as dead, just look at him.”
Another Scott staffer, whose identity we’ll protect by simply calling him Bjason Blawrence, said, “now you know why he hates all the minorities. They may be poor, but all his wealth doesn’t mean he gets to live one second longer than them.”
A third staffer, who we’ll call Bbart Bbillings, offered that, “I can’t wait until old skull face dies and we can get on to a new governor. Hopefully the next guy won’t look like an anorexic version of the dude from Midnight Oil.”
Scott’s current condition is reportedly stable, and though he’ll be in intensive treatment for some weeks or even months, his legacy of unity and harmony will live for a lifetime… or two. Maybe two.