I meant to write this 20 or 30 pounds ago, but I wasn’t yet fully sure it wasn’t an anomaly, so I held off. But I’ve kept shedding the pounds, so I feel inclined to share. You know, for the betterment of society, but also just to brag.
Losing weight is easy. Really it is. All you have to do is take in fewer calories than you burn over the course of your day… sounds too simple, right? I’ll never sell a million books with such an obvious message, so allow me to needlessly elaborate.
RIGHT: Tuck in your boners, guys, this is a stock photo, not an actual picture of the author… nope, I’m much hairier (and still a few ounces chubbier) than that.
STEP ONE – Count Calories
Count your calories. It’s not sexy and it doesn’t require any over-priced support group. Just count your calories. what I set as a guideline was that as long as I stayed under 2,000 I’d keep losing weight. Intertubes charts say you need 2,550 per day, so as long as you stay under that you’ll be fine, but the further you can hang consistently below it, the better.
You cannot go over that figure, not even once. If you do, you’ll be losing ground. Period. Don’t be a “ha-ha, close enough” guy, you have to do it all the way.
STEP TWO – Fantasize About Food
This is the biggest one. If you really want to lose weight, you have to think about food. I don’t mean that you have to think about it in passing, I mean that you have to literally fantasize about it every minute of every day.
When you’re sitting in your cubicle, waiting for the next call, you have to be thinking about food. A big fat turkey leg and how you’d devour it like an angry caveman. What you’d drizzle on it. What sides you’d take with it. How gladly you’d gorge yourself on it.
Those crappy microwave burgers at AM/PM? You have to think about those too. Would it be mayo and mustard or BBQ sauce and mayo with extra mayo? That cheesy-greezy fast food joint you used to hit when you were drunk? Yes, you need to be looking at that too like a sulking ex-boyfriend and thinking about what you’d do to it if you just had the chance.
Seriously, you must fantasize about food all the time, without fail. For me, the best way to do this has been to always be hungry. No, that’s it. It’s so easy.
So long as I am always hungry, I am fantasizing about food. When I hit the gas station I look at the sad, old, tired pizza and think to myself “yep, I could eat every last piece of that gross ol’ nasty pie” and for me that keeps me thinking about food… but I DO NOT eat it.
STEP THREE – Forget Half Measures
If you want to also take the stairs, that’s fine, but don’t kid yourself into thinking that this is somehow taking the place of getting serious about losing weight. If you want to spend 10-minutes a day on the treadmill, fine, whatever, but you won’t lose weight doing that either. You only burn 159 calories doing 30-minutes on the bicycle, and you’ll want to reward yourself with a 400-calorie chicken sandwich. Don’t kid yourself, and don’t do it.
And if you think that switching from the fatty beef burger to the mayo-slathered, deep-fried, beer-battered chicken, that you’re doing yourself any favors, well, you’re not going to lose any weight… and yes, I know it may have lettuce on it, but don’t kid yourself. That’s not the point and it won’t help you.
STEP FOUR – Always Do the Right Thing
If you’re at Applebes and they ask you what you want for a side, you know the wrong answer is fries, mashed potatoes, onion rings or a baked potato. Go with the steamed veggies. When your son or daughter asks you if you want to go play in the yard versus sitting on the couch, you know you have to go out and run. And if the waiter says “would you like some more water?” the answer is yes… you should have been drinking water the whole time, but we’ll keep it at this.
STEP FIVE – Stop Eating When You Aren’t Hungry
Notice I didn’t say “stop eating when you’re full”… well that’s because you stop being hungry about 20-30 minutes before you’re full… eat more slowly, if you must, and forget everything your mother taught you about “value”… no, when you’re done eating, stop eating. If you are mid-fry, put that other half down and call it a day. You’ll feel so much better when you do.
No guilt, no regret, no needless need to throw up in the toilet. None of that. Just simply “being done” when you’re done, and without regret or fear of having done too much or too little.
No, it’s quite simple, you need to take in fewer calories per day than you burn, and you simply must fantasize about food all. the. time.
Doing anything less is a compromise measure, and it just won’t work.
I’ve already lost 53 pounds using these simple measures.
I’ve got another 17-pounds to go, but already the clothes I had to stop wearing are back on me, and practically falling off of me. I’ve taken in my belt by fully 6-inches (and I’ve tape-measured the difference in my distorted belt loops for doubly-good measure) so I like to think I have some idea what I’m talking about. Not much idea, mind you, but again, I can’t make a mint admitting my lack of expertise.
And if that’s not enough to convince you, I’ve been chewing on this article for over a week, and have almost tripled it in length, girth and duration… you like that, don’t you baby?