In a shock announcement yesterday, Autism Speaks, based in Long Island, New York, stated that after years of struggle, they had finally discovered a way to cure a condition that has baffled parents and scientists alike since it was first named in the 1940s by Leo Kanner (pronounced “Conner”).
“We had been struggling with the problem of childhood autism for decades,” Dr. Walter Ransome, Autism Speaks’ chief scientist said.
“We’d always focused on training the sufferer to behave like normal people, meeting with only limited success. Then one of my researchers said to me one day, ‘Why not simply remove the autism from the victim?’ And so that’s what we switched our focus to. Now we have success only ten months down the road.”
At the press conference where the announcement had been made, I could see the children who had been brought out as demonstrations of this ‘success’ going up to various people and asking them, “Are you my mommy?” in eerily flat tones, their blank expressions unchanging.
The worst news arrived this morning, however, when the arrest of a prominent politician was announced after he was discovered literally balls deep inside one of these ‘cured’ children. A child who would never have gone off with a stranger if he had still been autistic. Another press conference was hastily called by Autism Speaks.
“We have decided to cure no more victims of autism for the foreseeable future,” Dr. Ransome stated. “We now understand that we made a mistake in focusing solely on a cure, and should instead have trained our attentions on the twin goals of removing this devastating disease and simultaneously replacing it with something else.
Unfortunately, we believed that the sufferer was a normal person frustratingly hidden behind the autism, and didn’t realise that once you removed it, all you are left with is an empty child. I and my whole team cannot apologise to the raped subject enough. Unfortunately, that is the nature of all research; mistakes sometimes get made.”
It’s easy. Make a reddit account (you don’t even need an Email) and ask for a guy named Wahullimer.
@ Sad tire: Um, I think you have it backwards, the Onion is known for being awkwardly offensive when it comes to humour about Autism. If you don’t believe me, put yourself in the shoes of an Autistic, then watch a news report featuring Michael Falk. Now do you see that the Onion’s take on ‘humour’ is closer to Encyclopedia Dramatica’s than Uncyclopedia’s?
How would I do that? Also, I’m not a forum owner, I’m just an admin. I linked to one of the sites I’m admin of because it has so little positive traffic and I’m trying to increase its exposure to more than just spambots, machine or otherwise.
Sheogorath! You got your story linked here! reddit.com/r/autistic
Take a look and speak to the mod! I bet he’d love to get in to contact with another forum owner.
You know an article will be top notch when they have to use their own advertisement at the bottom of the page, bragging that they have one person who makes 100 bucks a month.
The author really needs to leave satire to the Onion. Rather than coming off as hilariously offensive, this ‘satire’ just comes off as awkwardly offensive and badly written. Nothing about this article is funny – not in the “my delicate sensibilities cant handle jokes about autism” sense, but in the “writer doesn’t know how to make a joke” sense.
I just hope no one actually pays you for writing as terrible as this.
You do realize that this is satire, right? As in fake? This is not a true news article.
@ Chicken Badger: You’re right, removing blocks to speech wouldn’t render someone an empty shell. However, removing a huge part of their intrinsic personality very probably would.
I’m male, BTW.
@ William420: I hate Autism Squeaks because they have paid for the production of films that advocate our murder, including one where a woman said she had felt like killing her own daughter IN THE PRESENCE OF THE CHILD SHE WAS SPEAKING ABOUT. On top of which, they rake in millions and say it’s to help families of Autistic individuals, then they turn around and spend it on investigating disproven claims and researching ‘cures’. Trying to find a cure for Autism for us is like trying to find a cure for having scales for lizards.
Dude, what gives with all the hate??? I don’t get it. Funny enough story.
Smoke,
My son is completely non-verbal. He was able to speak approximately 250 words until age 3 1/2 when he suddenly was unable to speak. He does communicate through RPM but it is difficult for him because most people assume he is unwilling to talk or mentally retarded when he appears to ignore them. He is very frustrated by his inability to speak. My daughter is able to speak but her echolalia and heavy scripting make it difficult for others to understand her. She is often frustrated that she has to work so hard to get people to understand what she means to say. I hope this answers your question.
What is really meant by inhibited ability to verbally express themselves? Because this isn’t the first time that has meant “Doesn’t talk like an NT” and not “Unable to speak”
“Just curious why everyone hates Autism Speaks??”
Because they are a detestable eugenicist organisation that compare us to cancer and whose word can never be trusted
Just curious why everyone hates Autism Speaks??
I get the point the writer was trying to make. In my opinion, it was a strange way to write about it.
As a parent of two children on the spectrum, I found it difficult to read the part about a politician being “balls deep” in a child. My children are still very trusting of any adult and I consider them vulnerable to abuse. As they grow up, this may change. But for now, this is a very real, ugly problem – children who cannot protect themselves from danger, autism or not.
I understand the writer’s way of thinking is different than my own way of thinking. That doesn’t make it any easier to read.
My children obviously have a different form of autism than the writer. Their autism inhibits their ability to verbally express themselves and make decisions about things that may cause them harm. I don’t believe that removing their blocks to speech would render them an empty shell. I cannot stand Autism Speaks and I appreciate most of the piece but the rape part makes no sense to me. Perhaps Sheogorath was using a metaphor? Perhaps he or she can explain further for those of us who don’t understand.
“To all those flaming me: go ahead, I don’t care because I know that when you cannot restrict your criticism to the article, you only show yourselves to be stupid.”
By the way, for any idiots who can’t understand english this means he knows you’re idiots because you’re making personal attacks
God I can’t believe the ARROGANCE of those people
“REALLY?!?!? How can you look yourself in the mirror in the morning, or any time of the day for that matter. What a horrendous line of BS so deep I nearly drown myself trying to get through it! GAG!! Disgusting to the core!!! Have you no shame?!”
How amazingly spineless. He shows how Autism Speaks is a disgusting organisation and you castigate an Aautistic, read, AN AUTISTIC, for exposing their hateful evil.
We have no need for your messianic anti-autistic viewpoint here. How dare you lack complete empathy. You are an embarassment to the whole of humanity.
“My kid is autistic and you are a very stupid person.
Very.
Stupid.
Ignorant.
And not funny at all.”
I am autistic and you are a very sick man.
Very.
Sick.
Disgusting.
And this piece was hilarious.
It shows again that parents who want cure are a bunch of psychotic loonies who hurt the people they claim to help. Disgusting. You have no heart.
To all those flaming me: go ahead, I don’t care because I know that when you cannot restrict your criticism to the article, you only show yourselves to be stupid.
As an autistic woman, I say that autism speaks does not speak for me, nor to the majority of “advocacy” organizations. For a possitive organization, look at the Autistic Self Advocacy Network.
Not f-cking funny. Not at all.
My kid is autistic and you are a very stupid person.
Very.
Stupid.
Ignorant.
And not funny at all.
REALLY?!?!? How can you look yourself in the mirror in the morning, or any time of the day for that matter. What a horrendous line of BS so deep I nearly drown myself trying to get through it! GAG!! Disgusting to the core!!! Have you no shame?!