California Bans Bacon

The California State Legislature has finally passed a bill banning all bacon and bacon-like products from the shelves of supermarkets and restaurants across the state in an effort to get Californians back on the healthy track. California is the first, and possibly the only state to take such drastic steps to protect its citizens from themselves.

Most people didn’t even know the bill was being voted on as the pork industry lobbyists didn’t think there’d be enough votes to get the measure passed. “To quote George Bush,” said one Senator from Los Angeles, ‘they misunderestimated us.’”

Senator Mary Lumsfeld from Studio City, California says the measure was necessary. “We were seeing our citizens get fatter and fatter and we were thinking “This isn’t Kentucky, this is California. What are we going to do?”

Beginning in 2010, California hired a team of registered dietitians and heart specialists to conduct a study on the everyday diets of 2,000 Californians to find out what was making them so darned fat, and what they found was startling! The major culprit was none other than bacon and bacon-like products.

“It’s just too tasty for people to resist,” said Trixie Culpepper, a registered dietitian from San Diego, California. “We eat it on burgers, we top our salads with it, and we season our vegetables with it. We eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and it’s slowly killing us,” she said. “Just like any evil, we knew we had to get rid of it before people started lumping Californians in with other Americans and calling us the “F” word.” Of course, Culpepper was referring to the word ‘Fat.’

There is no word on how this ban is going to affect Californians who have not yet chosen a healthy diet on their own. Mayors in all major Californian cities have committed to putting additional police forces on the streets as they expect major pushback from the passing of the bill. The biggest concern is that now that it is banned, bacon will most probably be sold on the California black market, making it a very dangerous commodity. Fines of anywhere from $1,000 to $10,000 for violations has restaurants up and down the California coast getting rid of their supplies of bacon and telling customers they’ll have to go to Vegas to get their bacon fix.

“It will be tough,” said California’s Governor Jerry Brown, “but hey, I’m a bacon lover myself, and once I kicked the habit, I lost 40 pounds. If I can do it, then by golly, the rest of my fellow Californians can. Let’s show them that we are not another Mississippi.”

As a side note, a similar bill making tofu California’s state food failed miserably. “I guess we’re on the right track,” said Gov. Brown, “but we’re really pushing our luck with tofu.”

Author: P. Beckert

P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at

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