Cape Ground Squirrel Study: Masturbation Necessary to Avoid STDs

A recent study has concluded that male Cape ground squirrels have a reason for being one of the most prolific wanking species on the planet. They are ensuring the healthiness of their privates.

One has to wonder if these study results had been around during the time the United States was purposefully infecting poor unwitting Guatemalans with STD’s in the 1940’s, if there ever would have been such a horrendous truth coming to light today.

What the Cape ground squirrel study was all about

A scientist by the name of Jane Waterman has spent upwards of 2,000 hours peeping at the squirrel’s pee-pees to ascertain why they are such hardy wankers. Two theories why they did it were automatically ruled out, i.e. no willing females—not a chance. Have you seen how well-hung those cape ground squirrels are? And numero dos, to increase the sperm count, which, by what she could ascertain, the species didn’t need any help in the procreation department either.

So what were they doing it for? Pleasure? Waterman admits they did appear to have cute little smiles on their faces as they stroked in the name of science. However, after she ran some numbers on the female Cape ground squirrel female population’s menstrual cycles, she found that the masturbation happened most often right after the male squirrels did their mating duties. Unlike some males of the human species who decide to have unprotected sex then merely zip up and hope and pray they dodge another bullet, the Cape ground squirrels actually have the good sense to do a thorough cleansing immediately afterwards, realizing that unprotected sex could get them more than a bunch of little Capers.

Since female Cape ground squirrels are notorious skanks (not in the report, but we assume), they have a tendency to spread their germs to whatever male they mate with. Obviously, there is something quite extraordinary going on here for a male of any species to actually think with anything other than his ding-a-ling when it comes to sex. This fact in itself has to be setting the science community on its ear.

Now if we could just get society to socially accept this most practical solution to stopping the spread of STD’s in humans. Perhaps wanking rooms adjacent to bars and lounges, not to mention at chicken ranches and other pleasure palaces. Imagine a time when one has a wanking station installed in one’s very own home along the same veins as Woody Allen’s ‘Orgasmatron.’ Ah nature, it never ceases to amaze.