The Center for Disease Control has issued an “urgent” warning about the spread of a dangerous new disease it’s calling “vampirism” or the DRAC1SUC3 virus. According to the press release issued today by the CDC, there has been an “alarming rise in the number of vampire related deaths or ‘undeaths’ over the last several years.”
Dr. Abraham Van Helsing, the man appointed by the CDC to “hunt down and destroy” the vampire virus, said that while dangerous, DRAC1SUC3 has never really been a threat to society as a whole until recently. “For the most part vampire related incidents are usually very low. Around Halloween you see a small uptick, but this type of disease likes to stay in the shadows and out of the limelight,” Van Helsing said. “But sometime around November of 2008 we witnessed a surge, or outbreak of vampirism throughout the country. Our studies have shown that this outbreak predominately affected teenage girls and closeted homosexuals.”
According to today’s press release, a new outbreak of the vampire virus hit this past November and was even larger than the year before.
- “In 2008, thousands of teenagers were diagnosed with the DRAC1SUC3 virus after displaying vampire-like traits and symptoms. The CDC, along with the help of federal government officials and stubborn boyfriends around the country, took steps to ensure that the disease was successfully contained and treated at the time. Unfortunately it appears that the disease was not only laying dormant in those believed cured, but that it was also spreading to other demographics at an unusually accelerated rate. No one knew to what extent until the full blown epidemic hit in November of 2009.”
The CDC says the problem is under control for now and that the disease has fallen back into a dormant “in-between” period, just as it did in 2008. If the disease does resurface the CDC will be ready for it this time, Van Helsing said.
“We won’t be fooled again. We’ve seen how this virus works,” the doctor said. “It explodes in a quick, overly emotional, lust-crazed display of vampire love only to die out, remain dead for a few months, then rise again.” And while it may appear the threat is gone, the virus is actually still simmering under the surface, boiling over inside the loins of the millions of infected, Van Helsing said. “Based on our research, we believe the next outbreak will occur in June of this year. We are putting out this statement now so that the public can be ready for it.”
In preparation for what it deems “an increasingly dangerous threat to first dates, traditional sappy romances and necklines everywhere,” the CDC released a list of preventative measures to keep you and your family vampire-free this summer:
– Don’t drink the blood of someone who has recently bit you. In fact, avoid drinking blood altogether.
– Wear a crucifix. Jews and Muslims may protest this, but the Catholics at the CDC claim it is necessary to save their souls from this evil disease.
-Eat lots of garlic. This suggestion is based on statistical evidence that Italians are less susceptible to the DRAC1SUC3 virus,Van Helsing said. They have yet to definitively determine whether the frequent use of garlic in Italian food is a contributing factor of this or if Italians are just born with a vampire resistant gene.
Also, avoid the following:
– Reading “Twilight” or any of its sequels.
– Watching “Twilight” the film or any of its sequels.
-Watching the television series “True Blood” or “The Vampire Dairies.”
According to the press release, research shows these “entertainments” cause people to be much more susceptible to the virus’ “charms.” They also seem to lead to a proclivity towards necrophilia.