President Barack Obama officially declared a public health emergency due to H1N1 on Friday evening, and did so with a gusto uncustomary even for him.
The Obama Administration said this proclamation will waive certain standard federal requirements as needed, on a case-by-case basis, specifically pertaining to peep and/or tug n’ grind entertainment facilities.
Health officials say this declarataion will enhance the ability of medical treatment facilities across the country to handle the expected surge in H1N1 patients. Patients, who are brought into emergency rooms from local strip clubs, might be in a state of panic on how they will be able to tell their wives on where they caught the bug. Highly skilled nurses trained to handle these type of cases will be on hand to treat them.
Private “Wilburculosis” treatment centers are also being set up for members of Congress so they may be able to escape the public scrutiny now associated with the disease. A celebrities only center has already opened up in Hollywood and their first patient admitted to the facility was Miley Cyrus, who has steadily denied having the dreaded disease. However, one of the Jonas Brothers was caught sneaking in the back door of the center and the rumor mill has kept on grinding.
The strips clubs in Las Vegas have now been put on notice by the Clark County Health department to warn patrons how the H1N1 flu virus is spread mainly from person to person.
People may become infected by touching something or someone infected with flu viruses and then touching their mouth or nose. Special masks for strippers as well as their patrons are being recommended for use in performing lap dancing. It is also recommended that touching of each other or exchange of any bodily fluids should be prohibited. After each lap dance both parties shower and gargle as soon as possible to get rid any of the viruses that may have spread during the activity.
Anyone diagnosed with the H1N1 may be quarantined in a day care type facility with no access to the outside world for 5-7 days. “Wilburculosis” centers are being equipped and staffed as fast as the Centers for Disease Control and Preventioin can get to the areas of outbreak of the disease.