A detailed functional artificial human brain will be available on the National Health Service within the next year – if we don’t all die of Sneezy Pig virus this autumn – or the effects of the toxic anti-flu vaccine – according to scientists and technicians assigned to TV’s Scrapheap Challenge research lab’s.
Several million people in the UK below the age of 25 have been diagnosed with suffering some kind of brain impairment – with 95% of oldies over pensionable age declared totally brain dead.
The causes of such cerebral damage in the young vary – from binge drinking gallons of Old Headbanger and Bitch Thumper lagers on a daily basis, to cellphone micro-wave radiation syndrome, and snorting cheap solvents or superglue, or a 24/7 addiction to an MP3 player blasting out Crap Metal music and turning grey cells to toxic sludge.
Dr. Wilton Fuctifino, consultant neurologist to Scrapheap Challenge, told a reporter from the Hypothalmus Review that many of the under-25 brain damaged cases he had studied were the progeny of brain damaged parents – whose actual frontal lobes had visibly shrunk while they watched TV programmes such as Bell-Enders, Big Brother, the X-Factor, Strictly Come Wanking, and Coronation Street.
This apparently resulted in IQ’s and social skills being retarded – at best – to the level of an Irish Pit Bull terrier – and – at worst – to that of an earthworm.
The Numpty Dumpty Brain project, to counter the effects of what has become known in the UK as ‘Emmerdale Syndrome’, was launched by Scrapheap Challenge in 2005 with the aim of reverse engineering the mammalian brain from laboratory data and initially treat Adolescent Dementia in chav and hoodie sub-culture yob types.
Dr. Fuctifino explained “It is not impossible to build a simple human brain and we have already achieved the level of intelligence equal to elements of rodent scavenger mental capacity.”
“We did experienced earlier setbacks by using genetic material from Australian sheep which resulted in a batch of brain-dead teenage yobettes scurrying around the lawn on their hands and knees, chewing the grass and muttering ‘Gidday mate’ – which was a marked improvement on their initial mental states but not the success parameter target level we hoped to achieve.”
The project then evolved to injecting tens of thousands of baboon neurons into a volunteer test subject’s drug-addled brain.
Vinnie McScrunt, an unemployed 16-year old career chav, when told the definition of a volunteer was ‘someone who had totally misunderstood the question put to them’ gave a hearty thumbs-up and declared “Yep, dat’s me folks.”
Vinnie signed up for the artificial brain enhancement project with the hope that, if it was the success the doctors aimed to achieve, then he would be smart enough to wipe his own arse, tie his trainer laces and think up a string of benefit fraud scams.
So far Dr. Fuctiifino claims to be satisfied with progress, informing the media “It’s early days yet but Vinnie’s brain has been regenerated 90% with the baboon neuron injections and he is now smart enough to peel his own bananas and operate a TV remote control with minimal adult assistance.”
“By this time next month we hope to have him reading the Daily Sport and putting bets on at our local bookies.”