Jerusalem – Israeli Health officials have announced today that the swine flu vaccine will not be made available to the general public as punishment for the more than 1,700 people who went against Hebrew law by contracting swine flu.
“For those who do not know it, swine means pig, and any contact with pigs is outlawed, period,” claimed Amah Fahn Atek, chief Rabbi and Secretary of Health.
Officials are still trying to figure out how the swine flu could have come into their country and are stopping short of blaming their political enemies of intentionally spreading the disease to Israeli nationals by refusing to cover their mouths when sneezing and coughing. Asked how they could tell whether or not the spread of the disease in Israel has been intentional, Fahn Atek replied “everyone is out to get us and this is yet another devious way to try and take us out.
But they will not get away with it,” he continued. “Our health department is working on an alternative vaccine that may be just as effective as the swine flu vaccine.”
The vaccine Fahn Atek is talking about has met with some success when used on elderly Jewish ladies. It has been named the “brisket” vaccine, and supposedly works by beefing up the body’s immune system. Interestingly, it works best when taken in combination with chicken soup and a small glass of Mogen David wine.
In a related news story, vegetarianism is expected to increase within the next few years due to recent outbreaks linked to the consumption of meat. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), we could see a “perfect storm” of contagious diseases as the avian flu (poultry), mad cow disease (beef), swine flu (pork) and salmonella (fish), are all expected to occur within the same time frame sometime within the next two years.
There has already been an increase in toilet sales in anticipation of the mega-outbreak. Some families are urged to turn extra home space into multiple stall bathrooms as family members get ready to experience the change over from meat to roughage. Not to be confused with commodes, the commodities market is expected to soar as foods such as corn, broccoli and soybeans make their way to the top of everyone’s grocery list.
I’m surprised we haven’t seen the usual score of loonies raving about how vaccines cause autism. Guess we flew under their radar?
Here’s an equally valid argument. They say that the number of vaccines has escalated in the past 20 years along with the rise in autism. Notice a matching negative correlation in the number of diagnosed cases of Mental Retardation? Yep… more vaccines EQUALS less retardation!
Correlation must equal causation, right?
Why not – he gave em away to white teen intern in the effin White House fer Gowd’s sake girl – I don’t suppose you voted for the Arkansas Artful Dodger – or did you?
That why you’re still right there behind the Mena Mafia?
Oh sorry, of course, giving semen-stained souvenier ties to little black children is much better:
“gave away dozens of semen-stained souvenir ties to split-arsed wannabe pickaninny White House interns.”
Call me boring, menopausal, I’ll just add misogynist to your standing title of racist and we’ll call it a day. What’s it like going day after day with such rage inside. Oh, I forgot, you write “satire.”
Didn’t say he had sex with child – with mother of said child – look at de dates n ages mentioned – all coincide with his visit.
You are boring . Go get a life Miss Menopausal Puritan
Yeah, a tongue-in-cheek article associating swine flu with the consumption of pork, and finding a people who outlaw the eating of pork to make the story work, labels me anti-Semitic. What did you do, go through every one of my articles looking for something you could come back with? I admit it, I have a pre-conceived notion that Jewish women eat Brisket, and all Jewish people eat chicken soup and drink Mogen David wine. That’s a far cry from saying that Clinton has sex with black children.
Hmmm – very pro-Zionist standpoint that reeks of labelling anyone who disagrees with Israel of anti-Semitism. How cliched.