Americans Depressed Over “Fat” Stereotype Seek Solace in Cheesecake

Americans, long iconic heroes to ignorant third-worlders and lesser ethnics alike, have in recent decades been labeled as nothing more than lazy, overweight, couch-faring snobs by counterparts in Europe and Asia alike. This reputation may have exacerbated the problem as, increasingly, Americans are found seeking comfort and acceptance both from Big Mars as well as pints of double-fudge ice cream.

America has long been regarded in the world community as innovators but, over the past decade, manufacturing has left, technological breakthroughs have mainly come from Asia and India, and pharmaceutical sciences have mostly blossomed in Europe. America hasn’t lost it’s innovation, rather the bulk of innovations have remained on the last page of the menu, the desserts category.

Ben and Jerry have each worked to reinvent ice cream, finding new ways to pack fat into an already bloated cardboard carton; Sara Lee herself has found new way to twist her strudels; even Mrs. Fields and [famous] Amos have pioneered new places to put chocolate for the quivering lips of rabid consumers. This is still innovation, yet the world sees it as slothful, decadent indulgence.

The American people, never ones to take such an insult lying down, have instead chosen to sit, specifically in their E-Z Boy recliners (each costing more than the average world worker earns in a year). Jack Townsend, a 270-pound computer technician from Omaha, Nebraska says, “It’s harmful when they [foreigners] call us ‘fat and lazy.’ If it wasn’t for tubes of Tollhouse cookie dough like this one I keep here in my desk, I’m not sure I’d have the strength to go on.”

While Americans outweigh their international counterparts by 45%, many unbiased fast food experts suggest it’s because Americans are 2-3% taller on average. A poll of daytime television talkshow guests believe that “big is beautiful” and that therefore Americans are the most beautiful people on earth, “aside from Samoans.”

World leaders expressing concern over America’s mushrooming weight problem are encouraged to instead point out the positive. After all, the more you pressure us to lose weight the harder it will be psychologically to succeed.

World leaders, in turn, told America it has “a nice personality” but we all know what that means.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.