Shocking Crime Wave Blows Across Nation

A terrifying new criminal is on the loose and officials appear powerless to stop him. In a small town in the UK an elderly gentleman was thrown to his knees and robbed of his newspaper that he had only just purchased. Battered and shaken he shared his shocking ordeal.

“I felt this great force behind me, pushing me down it was, right down on me knees, then it swung right passed me and lifted the newspaper right out from under me arm. I just bought it. Was 70p that was, I’ll never see that kinda money again.”

Albert Henry, 73, was helped by a passing stranger, who although present at the time of the attack did not see anyone. “He was there one minute, walking on the other side of the road, then boom, gone. Down on his knees like a baby giraffe.” Olivia Boil recalls, “And his newspaper is flying down the street, I said to him “Is that your newspaper?”

The discarded newspaper was found in pieces by a dog walker yards from the scene of the crime. Police issued a statement appealing for witnesses or if anyone may know the whereabouts of pages 3, 4, 29 and 30. “We believe the masked-attacker to be armed and dangerous, please do not approach this is not his first crime.”

When asked about what type of mask the assailant might be using to make himself completely invisible, chief inspector Ray Barber said “We are pretty certain it is a balaclava or a memory erasing ray-gun”