Authorities at Corcoran State Prison in Corcoran, California recently found a cell phone under inmate Charles Manson’s pillow. When confronted, Manson claimed that he didn’t even know what the hell the thing was and said someone must have planted it there. “Hey, man,” I’m a child from the 60’s, man. What the hell would I know about some piece of shit from the 90’s or whatever the hell decade we’re in, man?” shouted Manson as he grabbed a gnat from the air and ate it.
However, later at dinner, Manson was overheard telling another inmate that he has finally found a way to communicate with his master, Satan.
“Yeah, man, someone passed me this little square thing and said it was a cell phone and told me I could call people on it. I opened it and looked at it, but it didn’t do anything, so I figured I’d have to go back to my cell before it would work,” Manson related to the lifer known only as Mac, who’d been in Corcoran since 1937, and didn’t even really know how a regular telephone worked.
“When I got back to my cell, I started punching a bunch of sixes into the thing, you know, like 666 and stuff and then I heard some guy yelling ‘hello, hello.’ Jesus Christ,” said Manson, “it sounded just like Satan, so I got on there and started chatting with him, you know, like asking him how many people he killed today and mostly just bullshitting with him about Satany stuff, but mostly he just kept saying “who is this? Are you crazy? And when I told him ‘it’s me, Manson, man,’ he just laughed and said ‘sure, Manson,’ but he didn’t sound like he believed me, so I told him I was gonna cut off his head and shit down his neck and then he hung up on me man.”
Manson claims that Satan sounds just like a regular guy, “like a plumber or something, not nothing like the leader of the underworld, man. What a fu*king downer. All these years I’ve been telling people Satan is my master, and it turns out Satan is just another bullshit nobody man.”