Lima, Peru (GlossyNewsSA) — Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.
Slime weasel Joran van der Sloot has been handed over to Peruvian authorities, because he finally killed a chica where there wasn’t no deep water around. Wait until they get his little preppy murdering butt into Lurigancho, that’ll serve him right.
See? Our cousin Arturo was in Lurigancho over a miscarriage of justice several years back. Some evil person probably from Al Qaeda hid $75,000 and four kilos of Cocaine in the gas tank of Arturo’s ride. So we know from him what that prison is like. They have conjugal visits every day, but no girls allowed, ha ha ha. Arturo still sits down slowly!
—Hermana? That’s cruel, making light of what Arturo suffered. When a man is raped, it’s just as bad as a woman raped. It’s nothing to laugh about—
Consuela, you know squat about the advocacy journalism! In the first place, Arturo can hardly be offended by this story, since he can’t read the English! Second place, we do the advocacy journalism. We pile on people that already nobody like, and we make lots of money, OK? Why do you think that loco gringo Glen Beck is rolling in the Franklins?
So, as I was saying, intelligent Glossy News readers? This Joran van der Sloot is now where Daddy can’t load the dice. In Peru, bribery isn’t an option for gringos who murder Latinas, especially when there’s videotape.
But I want to have a little talk with you girls out there. You are bombarded with all kinds of messages that promiscuity empowers you some way in a post-feminist culture. That’s bullshit. We girls sit on the center of the male universe. That won’t change, no matter how many ‘Sex & the City’ films get made. Who goes to those movies anyway, besides Elton John and Adam Lambert? There’s no such thing as ‘post-feminist’ culture my hermanas. The boys, they can buy you gifts. You have the legs. Presents, legs, is this hard to understand? Don’t spread ‘em before you get ‘em.