Thousands of fir trees have been mysteriously disappearing from forests around the Western world in the last few weeks. Forest rangers making their rounds have been shocked to find many conifers, mostly young ones between three and six feet tall, missing with only short stumps to mark where they had been. Experts have expressed fears that there is some sort of trafficking in evergreens going on, perhaps even an international trade.
No one is clear as to what is being done with the conscripted trees, but suspicions exist that there is an illegal fire wood operating, or major ship building going on or, to the horror of many, a bizarre tree sex cult in operation. These possibilities have been dismissed because A. No one has real fireplaces anymore, B. no one makes ships out of wood anymore and C. people can only be so degenerate and tree sex is too strange even for Howard Stern.
The entire episode is reminiscent of last year at this time when trees also turned up missing. Horrifyingly, many of their lopped off, dehydrated bodies were found left at roadsides after the turn of the year, their browning needles bizarrely covered with wispy, metallic silver strands and broken shards of what appear to be brightly colored globes.
Oddly, accumulated surveillance tapes have shown what appear to be normal families driving up, choosing a specific tree, cutting them down and driving off with them strapped to the top of the car. Rangers are scratching their heads over it and there is now talk of a weird religious cult being behind the slaughter.
Agreements have been made with milk companies to print photographs of the kidnapped trees on milk cartons along with a call in number to help find them.
This is a serious topic, why sully it with a ridiculous and unfunny reference to Howard Stern?