Davis “Name withheld” Johnnson, or as we’ll anonymously call him, “Davis” has been a frequent business flier on SouthWest since the internet startup he’s employed with boomed in 2001. Normally he buys two seats and gets two meals.
“Hey, if I’m going to be that random fat guy, I have to accept that I’m going to have to buy two seats. I get that,” Said Davis anonymously, from his non-descript home at 42 Hummingbird Lane, Oakland, California, just past the green house with all the goofy yard ornaments.
“But if I’m going to be the big fat guy on the plane, and I’m going to pay for two tickets, I at least deserve a second meal for my seat.”
Southwest declined to comment on the record, but on background pointed out that, “we don’t offer meals on flights, not for free anyway. We have no idea what this [explitive deleted] [explitive] is talking about.”
They went on to say that this particular passenger has a history of attempting to extort frequent flier miles out of the airline, as well as free upgrades to business class, half-price in-flight movie headphones, and on several occasions, extra nuts, claiming to have “low blood sugar.”
“Yeah, he’s a real a-hole, this guy,” said anonymous backgrounder Margareet Jakobs, “he tweets about us, posts nasty stuff on Facebook. He’s always trying to game the system.” Jakobs added, “You’re not recording this right? You won’t use my name, will you?”
Fortunately for Mr. Johnnson, a mother traveling with her toddler a few rows back was able to give him all of her Gogurts, which she’d managed to negotiate bringing on the plane. Her child was unhappy, but that’s par for the course with kids on planes, right?
SouthWest has agreed to review their policies and expects a grand total of zero changes being made in coming days, citing, “why?”