GOLDEN VALLEY – General Mills is attracting wide attention after announcing it will introduce a new, interracial line of Cheerios.
The decision comes in the wake of controversy generated by a cute ad of the company’s, which showcases an interracial couple and their daughter.
CEO Clarence Podell discussed the new line of cereal at a press conference, where he spoke glowingly about everything from milk chocolate to three-cheese pizza and goober grape jelly.
“General Mills is not afraid to stand up to the tides of vicious segregation which have colored our cereal designs in the past. To argue that one shade should be kept and then plunged without mercy into a pool of white dairy product is despicable by every definition imaginable. Now children everywhere will be able to consume the interracial Cheerios, which are also supposed to be great for your heart.”
After hearing concerns raised by reporters that the interracial Cheerios may propagate racism by featuring an uneven distribution of food coloring, Podell was quick to reassure.
“Under our new plan for the interracial bites we will incorporate 51 percent minority food coloring to ensure no one feels left out or discriminated against. Hopefully losing their cereal privilege will help whites atone for their crimes in the past.”
A bystander who heard about the new product described himself as “emancipated and elated.” Mike DiMaggio explained that:
“Well let me tell you this: I just loved the ad. I may be a non-lesbian bisexual, but interracial love is too darn amazing –but only between black guys and a white woman. With these new Cheerios we will be making equality progress!”
No word yet on whether the company has plans to introduce cereal accounting for the transracial, transsexual, and zoosexual minorities.