Milwaukee Man Loses His Beer, Will to Live

Spotted on the snow-dusted roof of his modest ranch style home, Otto Franks, south side Milwaukee auto mechanic and reportedly stable and friendly man by all neighbor accounts, had threatened to jump to his death after forgetting the location of a freshly opened beer.

Police were eventually able to talk the man down, but only after offering him a Stella Artois and guaranteeing the bottle temperature to be a crisp 34 degrees Fahrenheit.

Sergeant Bill Schlotsky was at the scene and commented to reporters, “Ah, we’ve seen this before. Sad really. Working man, having a bad day, needing a beer in the worst way, finding one last bottle in the fridge and then forgetting where you put it? Can’t blame the man for going off the rails”.

Schlotsky was seen bumping his own chest twice with a closed fist and then pointing to Franks who was secured in the back seat of the squad car. It was a touching show of solidarity for the working class man. Franks was seen offering a nod of thanks in return.

Doctors at Milwaukee General Hospital would later examine Franks only to find him in good physical condition, but with reasonable concerns for general mental health.

Dr. Vishram Venkataramana, Chief Psychologist at MGH tells reporters, “Franks basically suffers from CRS disease, as well as some anxiety over talk of busting his union, which is common really for anyone living in Wisconsin.” When asked for a description of CRS disease, Venkataramana smiled and replied, “For our over 50 male patients we call it, Can’t Remember Sh*t.”

Sergeant Schlotsky confirmed the CRS diagnosis after searching Franks’ home and finding the room temperature beer, and a set of car keys sitting on the vanity of the man’s bathroom.

“You’d never see it if you were walking by and looking in from the hallway. It must have driven him nuts. That, and then not finding his keys to drive to the store and buy more beer. Hell, I’d be on the roof with the man,” said Schlotsky.

Author: Alex Leeman

5 thoughts on “Milwaukee Man Loses His Beer, Will to Live

  1. People from Milwaukee are like that (I’m from Wisconsin and I ought to know, ((that Blatz beer tastes best wherever you go!)) ).
    (Only real old timers will get that one.)

    Is that the same Schlotsky who has that chain place that makes those outrageously delicious sandwich with the ham and seeded buns?

  2. In the Canadian or Michigan upper peninsula vernacular…
    “Thanks, eh?”

    Yes Skoob, quite the casual, easy going atmosphere here. I think I’ll pull up a recliner and peel off a story once in a while.

    PB, I find Milwaukee folk will drink just about anything if it’s cold and you’re offerin’ it to ’em! (Picture a young Marlon Brando in a horizontal striped shirt ) “S T E L L A !”


  3. I’m sorry, but I only find one flaw with the story. A working man in Milwaukee would turn his nose at a Stella, preferring instead a can of Milwaukee’s Best. Hell, those guys were weaned on the stuff. Otherwise, really liked it. Quite telling about our current situation in America.

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