People who make up the richest 1% of the world’s population and who already own 98% of the world’s wealth were shocked to learn today that they could not have the last 2% of the wealth that belonged to the other 99% of the people.
“Why, I just don’t understand it,” said Mrs. Sarah Bueford, major shareholder of Bueford Electric, the monopoly that controls all of the power for the states in the southeast part of the U.S. “After all, we are the elite of this world. By reason of the fact that we are the upper class of the world, we should own everything there is!”
She added, “What do the little people need with their piddly two percent? They’ll just waste it on buying houses that we’ll eventually get anyway when we foreclose on them in the next recession!”
Mrs. Bueford’s butler, at this point, leaned over to whisper to her that if the people couldn’t own anything then that would be like pure Communism in which the State owns everything, an action for which Mrs. Bueford promptly fired him.
“Rude little ant! Having the nerve to compare me to a Communist!” she stated.
Lawyers today officially informed the CEOs, business owners, movie and rock stars, drug cartel chiefs, sports stars, and Malcolm Forbes that although they were among the wealthiest men on the planet, they couldn’t just simply have EVERYTHING. “We have told them, but they don’t really seem to listen. They just look over our shoulders with the same fixed, hungry glassy stare that a wolf herd has when they see a flock of sheep.”
Mrs. Esshira Gondro of Shombassi, India commented to the newspapers “Mr. Combassa of the Punjabi Web Support Company demanded that I turn my 1-year old boy over to him because his wife is infertile. He said it is his right because he is a wealthy Brahman and I am a poor Untouchable. That didn’t prevent him from groping me when he delivered his ultimatum though.”
An obviously irate Johnathon Milkcurdler of Cowpie, Wisconsin told the press “I told that damned Hugh Hefner twice he can’t have my 14- year old daughter! Next time I will tell him with a 44 Colt!”
“They said we had the purest air in all of Mexico” stated Fernose Chargo at his ranch in the Sierra Nevadas. “Then one of the Forbes 500 Cartel leaders came in and built a clear plastic dome around our property and is vacuuming the air to his place in the Mexico City area. He says that if we try to stop him, he will suck it all out and suffocate us! What can we do?”
Marsha Titbuster of Shontal, Scotland said, “That Rupert Murdoch said he had dibs on my left kidney! I got news for him. I ain’t givin’ it up without a fight.”
Shama Joba of Inco, Indonesia had to fight off men armed with scissors who tried to remove her gorgeous, waist length hair. “Hetroro Gansba, the owner of the local sweatshop, has gone bald at the age of 42 and he wants my hair because it is the most beautiful in the whole area,” said Joba through her tears. “He wanted mine because he could make many toupees out of it to last him his whole life.”
“Our well water tested the purest in Montana. Now Ted Turner is putting in a pipeline to pump it all to his place! No one has any rights any more…unless of course you have a half billion in your pockets,” said Ivan Snerdgrass of Blackballs, Montana.
In the latest development, the Royal family of Saudi Arabia has bought the entire country of Ethiopia so that they can use their citizens for domestic and physical labor. The people will be reimbursed by being able to eat sand and drink their own sweat to survive.
Common citizens everywhere are beginning to get alarmed. Already there have been pockets of protests that have been put down by private militias supplied by mysterious resources. Meanwhile, a lot of people have put in orders to France for massive shipments of guillotines for a coming peasant revolution.