May 19, 2010: Posted from a secure, undisclosed location by Glossy News South America correspondent in hiding.
In addition to the ever present mosquitoes, the air is thick with tension in this peaceful Southern town, regarding next week’s Prom. The Yagonawana County School board voted in 2007 to make provisions for attendance by home schooled graduates, but no one anticipated the firestorm now unfolding.
Home schooled Lucinda Deveraux, described by ‘Tammy’s Tans’ owner Tammy Baker as “really pretty if you like ‘em raw biscuit colored” has announced she’ll attend with escort Jude Frampton.
Ms. Deveraux’s intent has thrown into disarray the usually happily anticipated event. Leading the opposition is Cathy Frye, owner of ‘Cat’s All U Can Eat Catfish’ where the Prom is always held.
“I don’t mind Lucinda a bit, but that Jude? I know that Werewolf bunch. They seem all nice, but everybody knows the truth. Jude’s cousin about single-handed put my uncle’s dairy farm out of business once. I’ll be damned if Jude eats my fried catfish.”
Other townspeople, though seeming to share Ms. Frye’s opinion, sought to strike a more conciliatory tone. Mayor Earl Mayer told Glossy News, “the Prom isn’t on a full moon night, and it’s a big deal to all the kids. We should be thinking of them first really.”
— Some girls wouldn’t date a Werewolf, but I think that’s stupido. See? Every time he get all hairy fangy, there goes another outfit. So when he goes to the Mall for new clothes, he has to buy you something too—
Dammit Maria, I hear you typing in there! No PC time when Daddy’s working, or I’ll take back the tennis bracelet!
Although at this writing no resolution is clear, both sides seek to avoid ACLU involvement. School board officials have proposed a separate but equal alternative Prom at ‘Pete’s Pizza’ for Lucinda, Jude, and whichever eight graduating Seniors lose the drawing of course.