Deep South, USA (GlossyNews) — Governor Bailey Harbor today viewed the scene of last weekend’s worst storm devastation. “Yep, looks the same as every other tornado hit. I’ll get President Jug Ears on the phone; see if I can get some disaster relief money. Let’s go get something to eat.”
Residents of the worst hit Yahoo City were similarly unimpressed in their reactions. Said local hardware store owner Calvin Klavan, “Yeah, comes through here around this time every year. Got my cousin’s skating rink in 2007, which was kind of a blessing really. Luther had already been thinking about burning it down for the insurance money.”
Church groups and other community organizations were quick to respond to neighbors’ loss of property and loved ones, as is common of rural cultures. Prominent Yahoo City socialite Gladys Kravitz took a break from directing aid efforts to speak with Glossy News. “It’s been terrible, but we’re tough people and we pull together in times like these. We’re like family, even the negroes. Like Gloria for instance? She’s a distant cousin of mine on her daddy’s side, well presumably. You’d have to know her slutty momma; it’s a long story. So Gloria, she’s got two little ones, good luck figuring out who their fathers are, and they’ve already cut back her hours at Wal-Mart, and now this. Lost her trailer, and that loser she was shacked up with got his fool self killed. So see, it touches all of us; we’re connected. Post-tornado relief is something we do very well in Yahoo City; we get a lot of practice. It’s no big deal really.”
Amid the shrugging ‘Yeah, whatever’ reactions of the tornado victims, there were many miraculous survival stories. Meteorologist and ‘storm chaser’ Bill Hardin took refuge in a barn, clutching his very very hot ex-wife as deadly farm implements swirled just overhead. Adult entertainment store clerk Adam Lambert survived the direct hit on ‘Nancy’s Naughty Shoppe’ by hiding under a dildo display case. Lambert went unscratched while the store was utterly destroyed to the foundation slab.
Huge plastic penises are being found in parking lots and school yards as far as ten miles from Yahoo City.
I’m southern and I for one am completely, utterly, outrageously……
convulsed with the giggles.
One small tweak….when using a fictional name for local gossips, try to use something less ethnic than “Kravitz” and make up some bizarre spelling for what is otherwise a common name.
Think Gennifer Flowers…..
This story wasn’t written to make fun of Southerners, nor the recent tornado devastation. My prayers for them. This story was written to make fun of Southern politicians, self-important small town gossips, flying plastic penises, and of course Adam Lambert.