CHARLOTTE, NC (GlossyNews) — Sociologists have discovered a slow infestation that they believe is eating away at the American heartlands. “Yuppie Sprawl,” as it has been termed, is a corrosive and invasive social blight that now threatens the infrastructure of the traditional American landscape.
Yuppie Sprawl, much like “Urban Sprawl” and “Suburban Sprawl,” takes over older neighborhoods, city burgs and rural acreage with unprecedented voracity. It is ruthless in its determination to control as much of its environment as possible, fueled by massive funding and an exaggerated sense of entitlement.
The signs of infestation are easily recognized — a sudden in-pouring of cash into the home improvement stores of the area, the abrupt presence of German sedans and Asian made SUVs, the assembly line construction of faux Victorian homes, outcroppings of youth soccer fields, and the eruption of fern bars and latte dispensaries in the neighborhood.
Experts trace the origins of Yuppie Sprawl to urban areas where yuppies are bred to multiply and consume, demolishing all obstacles in their paths. Some scientists describe the outbreak as a virus: yuppies infiltrate a host, exhaust its resources and then leave the ruined environment to seek other viable hosts.
Others compare the habitation patterns of yuppies to tobacco, a crop that eventually kills the soil in which it thrives. Yuppies, they claim, can overrun and strangle the traditions, beliefs and local mores that have developed in a given region over generations in a very short time.
The condition first appears in economically disadvantaged neighborhoods where the abundant finances of yuppies allow them to appropriate parcels of land, homes and apartments. In nearly ever case, the original residents are displaced.
To date, the only effective way to rid an area of a yuppie infestation is an environmental disaster substantial enough to render their property worthless, or which poses a danger to their health. Events such as oil spills, earthquakes, radiation leaks, tornadoes and hurricanes tend to drive yuppies out quickly. Unfortunately, these events also negatively impact indigenous residents. According to sociologists, the most effective remedy is to find a yuppie’s source of income and poison or uproot it. This process weakens, disorients and discourages yuppies from further expansion in a given area, causing them to flee. If one is lucky, they will leave many of their possessions behind.
One good solution is to verbally belittle, denouce, and ridicule the trendy worthless lifestyle of the yuppies and the trendy, worthless opinions of the yuppies whenever they are about in town .
Whenever one walks by and is talking up the latest media gossip about some tragic event, it would be well taken to reply out loud on , how, say trendy , scum , which have as a guilty pleasure finding some voyeuristic entertainment on catching up on the media gossip about the Casey Anthony trial (or any other tragedy) are *not* that terribly different in sensibility from whatever trash might have been an accomplice in killing that child . Though they may not be so wicked to kill a child, if they claim it is okay to get some moribund and trendy entertainemnt in the television media gossip of some child like Caley Anthony , or Jon Benet Ramsey , as some sort of “guilty pleasure” , or make some some mealy mouthed semi-inchoate play about how it “is the news” or “it’s reality” or “there’s nothing else on” , then they are only a modertate degree removed from people who would act as accomplices in such a reprehensible murder , or the sort of people who would watch snuff films .
Mentally make them feel unwanted in a neighborhood .
Denounce the ‘Lifetime channel; , and point out how it ought to be renamed the ‘Deathtime Channel’ , or the ‘Adultery Channel’ , or the ‘Murder Channel’ , whenever, one of those typical vapid yuppie soccer moms walks by . IF a yuppie happens to be a downtown area and one sees them , say to someone else in earshot how the trendy pulp novels of Dick Francis, and/or any other sordid, moribubd pulp novel, that is popular with the latte and CSI crowd, is best appreciated by having a frontal lobotomy first .