Dear Hank:
I’ve got a crush on my neighbor. She lives just across the apartment complex from me, is stunningly gorgeous, and I know from looking, she’s single. She does have the odd one-time male guest now and again, but nothing serious. I want to date her. Well, not date, but you know, “date” her.
Thing is she’s total chaos. She’s had visitors arrested in the parking lot and I know she’s on meth. Living within eye line of one another is causing me a few problems because she used to be a dancer so she’s petite right up to her ribs, then pretty shockingly broad from there up, and it’s really fun-tastic to stare at. I’m even pretty sure she doesn’t seem to mind.
Problem is I asked all my friends and they said it was a very, very, very bad idea. Like Jerry Springer bad, but without the free trip to Cincinnati. She could say no and create all kinds of weirdness around the complex, or worse, she could say yes and cause all kinds of problems around the simplex. I just need a way to justify this obvious mistake I want to make and I’m hoping you can give me a reason to take the plunge, so to speak.
-Tongue-Tied in Tuscaloosa
Dear T-tit:
Will we men never learn? Like Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe, Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts, J. Howard Marshall and Anna Nicole Smith, Oedipus and his Mother, the list goes on and on and on of men crippled by their multiple D mentality; who, had they taken the sage advice of friends, would never have made the mistake of falling in love with a beautiful, well-endowed woman only to end up broke and alone. Well, maybe not broke, maybe not even alone, but decidedly separated from the one thing they couldn’t get enough of…huge bazongas!
From what I could gather from your letter, you don’t really want me to tell you not to go for it, do you? I mean, your friends have done that and yet you write to me for what? A second opinion from a veritable stranger who could care less whether or not you get laid? No, pal, you’re on your own with this one because as soon as you read this, I have a very good idea of what your next move is going to be. You’re gonna put down the binoculars, zip up your jeans, and you are going to march right over there to Triple Dee’s apartment and introduce yourself.
So just be careful and be prepared because as history has proven, sometimes luck just comes down to being at the right place at the right time with the right malt beverage in hand.
I’m pullin’ for ya,
-Hank
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