Dear Hank,
I’m seven months old (that’s from conception) and due in late January.
Recently, I heard my parents talking about what they were going to name me:
Siegfried.
Hank, I can’t go through life with that moniker. Recently I built a tiny
notebook in here with natural materials (the motherboard was easy) and tapped
into their signal.
I made contact with a little girl down the street who’s due about the same time
I am and whose mother is a lawyer. The little girl advises me that I have
rights concerning my naming and I should exercise them before it’s too late.
But I’m afraid that I’ll alienate my parents if I pursue a legal challenge.
What should I do?
ps I’m a girl.
-Signed
Siegfried
Dear Siegfried (try saying that with a straight face),
I hate to sound condescending to you little lady but this here is a column for men written by a man, who (1) knows nothing about the birthing process; and (2) couldn’t give a whit about what your parents are about to name you.
If I took time to answer all the letters I get from soon-to-be-born kids wanting to know whether or not to sue their expecting parents, it would leave me no time to answer the more pressing questions I get from my regular readers such as what’s the difference between re-fried, ranch, and charro beans, what to buy their mistresses for Christmas, or how many cans of beer you have to drink before a trip to the recycling center is worth it.
While I could feign sympathy and say that I am truly sorry you’ll have to go through life with the name Siegfried, it would only serve to enrage you more as I followed up with jokes likening you to a gay tiger tamer.
My best advice to you is this: If you are truly unhappy with this name don’t sue, get even. Use the fact that you are a newborn to your advantage. Spit up, poop, and pee as often as you can. Wake up every day at 2 o’clock in the morning screaming at the top of your lungs. Grab hold of your mother’s hair and don’t let go until she screams for mercy. Soon, your parents will be calling you various other names and rarely will you ever have to hear the name Siegfried again.
-Hank
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