Dear Hank,
I’ve been cheating on my wife since before I met her, and I think she might be starting to get suspicious. It’s getting pretty hairy, but winter is coming so we don’t do too much shaving up here you know.
Should I fake my own death or just tell her I’m a long-haul trucker, or that I’m going to prison for a few years. I know these are only temporary fixes, but I drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney, so I figure I’ll be dead in a few years either way. That’s bad for the kids (only 2 with the wife, but 3 with the secret wife.)
I would break up with “Gertie”, if I could, but she’s wicked strong and she’s got thighs that can crush me, which is about as bad as telling my wife.
I could divorce my wife, but we have some number of kids and I’m just afraid her dad would kill me, and rightly so, I’m practically the scum of the earth and in all fairness, he did warn me before I married her.
What should I do?
–Quagmired in Quebec
Dear Quagmired:
Seems what you got yourself into buddy is what we like to call a sticky wicket—done stuck it in the wicket once too many times (or “wicked” in the case of Gertie). I don’t think telling the wife you’re a long-haul trucker is the best way to go seeing as you probably don’t even make enough money to buy a good pair of snow shoes let alone a big rig.
Jail sucks. I’m sure you already know that and besides, you’d have to pick who you got conjugal visits from. Right there’s enough to tip off the old lady. And in order to fake your own death, you’d have to disappear for awhile. Without support money from either one of the wives, how are you going to survive?
Nope Quag, what you are gonna have to do is get religion. Oh, I don’t mean to save your soul. Seems from what you’ve written, that ship has sailed. I mean get the polygamist kinda religion—the one where you can have more than one wife and lots of kids while hiding under your religious freedom rights. Don’t be stupid enough to brag to the outside world about your new-found religion and you may just be able to pull it off. You might even be able to add a few wives to the stable somewhere down the road.
How, you ask, are you gonna convince the wife and Gertie to go along with this brilliant scheme? Mind control. I just happen to have a pal who teaches hypnosis and he’s agreed to consult with you. Go to HowToHypnotizeSomeone.org and click on the button for the free materials. That’s right, it’s absolutely free, Quag, no obligation whatsoever. Before you know it, you’ll be on your way to the Promised Land with your women eating out of your hand. Quicker than you can invoke the name of Joseph Smith, you’ll be the new Sun Myung Moon of Montreal, the Quaresh of Quebec.
Good luck and let us know how it works out for you.
–Hank
If you’ve got a question for Hank that you need answered, just send it in using our CONTACT page (linked at the top of the page). Remember, Hank puts the “guy” in DIY.
Dear Hank, I have a serious issue that needs adressed. I’m a conservative, belong to the NRA and have just finished my bunker cause we all know what’s comin in 2012. My damn wife wants to decorate the damn thing and take down all my desert storm pictures. We will be sharin the space with are son who is two right now and are cat Sherman but I can’t give up my plaid couch and plasma T.V. We’re headin for a divorce after 15yrs of marriage over this! I need help! Lost in Arkansas! Thanks J.B.
Yes. I agree. nerm ain’t funny et al.
But you would have to “engineer” a new signer’s name to end where you want it to. Life is never complete.
bz
P.S. BobZ,
If you read the last post from Nothing Rhymes with Memphis, I could have called her NRM (Nerm) but that just ain’t funny. Now calling her by her first name, “Nothing,” one could reasonably argue that that is funny. Dear NRM, Dear Nothing. it’s your call.
I dunno. Good question. If you read the post, I’d say the guy is anything but quick.
Hank, As I haven’t read too many of your Hank things, I wondered… Other self-help sex sites tend to answer the signer by their complete initials, so would this guy –QIQ– be pronounced “quick”?
Just asking.
Thanks.
Hank your stuff makes us giggle honey, even the misogynist stuff, soooooo dry
Max – I have passed the question on to Hank, and he has promised to answer it for you next Sunday. You’ve waited your whole life to meet a girl, you can wait just a few more days.
I have a question for Hank. How can I meet women that aren’t psycho?
Do I have to send it in through email or is this OK?
It was a facetious comment Brian – the last time I did my party hypnosis trick I ended up with more wives than I could count.
Sorry about that Rusty, I didn’t catch that it was a real site. It’s linked now. 🙂
Bullshit- the http://www.howtohypnotizesomeone.org URL link doesn’t work – apart from that – Brilliant with a large ‘B’.
Quality stuff my friend.