A senior bishop claims the Church of England must shed its upper class ‘Mamon & Snobfords’ supermarket image to attract more of the ‘Grotty Grocer’ type of unemployed landless peasant worshippers away from Sunday morning breakfast TV and Scrapheap Challenge repeats – and back to God’s exalted Sabbath portals.
The Right Reverend Rupert Fuctifino, Bishop of Smegmadale – unfortunately the type of man who believes wood grows on trees – is frustrated by the view that the church is only for the ‘highly-educated’ or ‘suited n booted’ academic types who read the Sunday Shitraker’s ‘Culture’ magazine supplement.
The good Bishop – bless – that most dangerous of creatures : a man of Faith in an unseen Divine Power – considers Jesus would “just as likely be in the queue at a Grotty Grocer supermarket branch – for his copy of the Daily Sport and a pack of 10 Lambert & Butler ciggies – or even buying a tin of Spam or a carton of Pol Pot ‘Genocide ‘flavoured insta-noodles” – as shopping at upper-class Pukesbury’s or Mamon & Snobford’s.
His remarks coincide with a mega-bucks ‘Back to Church You Heathen Bastards’ campaign to attract lapsed worshippers into pews on Sunday and boost the Church of England’s flagging offertory plate incomes and overall dwindling finances.
It comes after provisional figures published earlier this year showed average Sunday attendance in the Church of England fell from 978,643 in 2002 – down to just 3 in 2009 – all of which were Albanian Muslim pikeys sizing up the joint’s security and the church roofs for a lead-nicking exercise.
Bishop Fuctifino told a reporter from the Atheists Gazette “Even today I meet people who think you have to be a good sort who helps old ladies across the road and would never drown a litter of unwanted kittens to be the type of person who goes to church.”
“That’s so wrong in this day and age – we’ll take anybody now – Asbo scallies, chavs and hoodies; muggers; benefit cheats; druggies – and their dealers; prostitutes; Catholic bumboys; lesbians; extraordinary rendition torturers; mass murderers; Muslim suicide bombers; cannibals – even MPs.”
“We as spiritual mentors hold pride and purpose in our mission to educate the stupid unwashed heather masses in accepting the ontological proof of the existence of the Holy Trinity and the Ressurection.”
“Really, we’re all here to seek our equitable place in Heaven at the right hand of God – or on His left if things get a bit too busy and packed.”
A YouTube message has also been posted by the Bishop of Smegmadale – the Reverend Fuctifino – which invites people to “come as they are” to church on Sunday – complete with a rap song and dance accompaniment – which on last week’s Sabbath unfortunately turned into a fiasco when several people showed up in pyjamas and slippers – plus a visit from the local Smegmadale Nudist Colony’s born-again types– resplendent in a state of full birthday suit undress.