Austin, Tex. — An entire Komodo Dragon genome has reportedly got loose from a MySQL database at Infinite Loop Biological Research Co. in Austin, Tex. and is already starting to breed and reproduce itself in computers and computer networks worldwide.
The nightmare of a giant lizard taking up residence inside your computer is fast becoming a reality, say alarmed computer experts. “Forget about worms and viruses,” says Stanley Kubinowski of computer security firm, SKSF Inc.
“Where those kind might just crash your computer, this thing will eat it whole then burp it out. Trying to salvage your hard drive after a Komodo Dragon attack would be like trying to reconsitute a chicken out of Chicken McNuggets. It ain’t gonna happen.”
What to look for, he says, is dollops of foul-smelling saliva on your computer and keyboard, as well as gutteral burping noises coming out of the machine as you try to boot it up. Some victims have also reported a strange feeling of being patiently watched by unseen eyes while typing or surfing the Net.
“Be especially vigilant about sterilizing your computer with bleach if you encounter the Komono’s saliva,” cautions Kubinowski, “as the animal is known to use the saliva as a killing weapon, and will patiently watch any prey who has come in contact with it for hours or even days until its 24 strains of bacteria take effect. Then it pounces.”
As for a fix, says Kubinowski, that can only come from one place, namely Infinite Loop Biological Research, from which the beast escaped and started making millions of copies of itself, but so far no one has been able to reach the company for comment. Reportedly, its phones just ring and ring and nobody answers.
Cheney is looking for a female Komodo if that is any help.
All right, I made some phone calls, and AOL wants to buy the lizard!
Excellent!