CORNUCOPIA, California (GlossyNews) — Tech stocks are expected to open sharply lower tomorrow in reaction to the disturbing news from England. While it initially seemed Apple’s latest version of the I-phone was another unqualified triumph, hopes are now quickly fading.
Market watchers are taking a bearish ‘too soon to say’ attitude on Apple stock. Said Gordon Gecko of investment bank Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, “This could be Steve Jobs’ Katrina, no kidding.” And all eyes turned to influential tech blogger Chad Angstrom, who first gained prominence with his uncanny predictions on the success of the ‘Guitar Hero’ game series. Though Angstrom’s recent writing has mostly focused on his inability to find a prom date, he too was pessimistic about future I-phone sales.
The incident that’s inflamed blogs and boardrooms is the return of a just purchased I-phone, and the customer’s vociferous complaints. The phone was taken to the complaints counter at the Wartfordshire, England Harrods’ store and a full refund was loudly demanded.
Said customer Edward Scissorhands, “This damned thing is absolutely worthless. User friendly? You’ve got to be insane. I can’t check my e-mails or even text on it. I barely manage to make a phone call. This thing was advertised as cutting edge technology. Well I happen to know a little something about ‘cutting edge’ and this overpriced piece of crap isn’t what I consider cutting edge, all right?”
UK football enthusiasts will of course know Mr. Scissorhands from his career with the Manchester United team. The popular defender is legendary, both for his tireless charity work and refusal to sign autographs.
Reached for comment, Mr. Scissorhands said he didn’t know why the British call Soccer ‘football.’ Winona Ryder said she didn’t know either.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that..
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