DES MOINES, IOWA — It was reported earlier today that local farmer Henry Myopic “definitely [has] AIDS… or maybe eczema.”
The 73-year-old Myopic, who regularly checks the WebMD website in an effort to pinpoint his assorted ailments, was able to narrow his latest illness down to one of the two diseases after nearly an hour of careful research.
RIGHT: A close-up of Myopic’s scrotal dryness. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)
“Yeah,” Myopic said, “my whole life, I’ve always enjoyed a healthy amount of unprotected sex with prostitutes, but not long ago I started feeling kind of sick. Naturally, I went straight to WebMD. I mean, let’s face it, I’m not going to defer to some ‘expert’ or hot-shot doctor when it comes to my own health. I’m an American, damnit. I’ll figure it out for myself.”
Myopic reported suffering from fever, muscle soreness, headaches, sore throat, oral and genital ulcers, swollen lymph glands in his neck, joint pain, night sweats and diarrhea – all the telltale signs of full-blown AIDS – but added that he “also [has] a rash, so maybe it’s just a really bad case of eczema.”
Though sources report that rashes are also listed among the symptoms associated with AIDS, Myopic isn’t buying it yet.
As Myopic puts it, “I don’t know. It’s just that the evidence isn’t there yet. I want to make absolutely sure that it’s AIDS before I jump to any conclusions. No harm in taking my time with this thing, right?”
Myopic continued, saying “I’m not going to spend any money to test for it or anything because that would just be a waste of my money. Honestly, even if one of these so-called ‘specialists’ tried diagnosing it as AIDS, I probably still wouldn’t believe them. I have a rash, and in my nearsighted view of my own health, a rash means eczema, regardless of any other symptoms that I’m not qualified to understand. Simple as that.”
At press time, it was reported that Myopic has plenty of time to surf the internet and check self-diagnosis websites since a rash of extreme weather incidents and natural disasters – including a long drought, four tornados, a flood, an ice storm, extreme heat and extreme cold, all in one month – wiped out every square foot of his crops earlier this year.