Scientists Dismayed As BP Throws More Oil-Absorbent Cash at Gulf

Since the 2010 explosion on the Deep Water Horizon offshore oil rig, which killed 11 people and spilled 205 million gallons of crude oil, British Petroleum has been pumping billions of oil-absorbing dollar bills into the Gulf of Mexico and Mississippi Delta.

The BP money has become a symbol of the company’s continued effort to restore the ecosystems decimated by the spill. However, according to environmental scientists, the oil-absorbing cash isn’t helping as much as BP predicted and in some cases, is even exacerbating problems in the affected areas.

The BP dollar bills are exactly like regular dollar bills, except they are coated with a synthetic hydrocarbon, designed to absorb and break down the toxic crude. BP has been dropping the bills onto the oil plumes by plane and BP workers have been instructed to throw handfuls of the bills at any oil-covered animals they encounter.

BP says they are committed to adding billions more of the oil-absorbing dollar bills to the Gulf areas, until the ailing ecosystems and economies begin to flourish once again. However many scientists in the region remain skeptical about BP’s solution.

“In my opinion, the cash is actually having an adverse effect on the very ecosystems it was supposed to heal,” said field biologist Corrine Simpson, of the University of Texas. “We’ve found the money stuck in the blowholes of suffocated dolphins, in the intestinal lining of various indigenous fish and there are rumors that the money is being used to fund an undersea prostitution ring that has already forced many starfish into sexual slavery.” Scientific data has also shown that the BP cash isn’t just harming the native wildlife either.

“People in the area, including children, are getting sick from eating shrimp and fish riddled with cancerous tumors,” said Simpson, “And local emergency rooms are reporting an influx in black eyes and broken noses from the fistfights breaking out among beach goers when the oil-absorbent dollar bills wash up on shore.”

However, some locals, especially the those living in areas where deposits of the BP cash are highly concentrated, are accusing scientists of being biased against BP and siding in favor of Earth. Earth, the planet which sustains human life.

“I am impressed with BP’s response to this ecological disaster and it’s definitely not because I used a net-full of the cash to retire from my dangerous, low-paying, benefit-less job as a shrimp boat deckhand” said Levi Turner, who also used the BP cash to replace his peg-leg with a real prosthetic. “I can finally bounce my grandchildren on my knee and they don’t get splinters,” Turner added as he broke down into tears of joy.

At first glance, the cost of BP’s oil-absorbent dollar bill campaign may seem staggering. However, because of BP’s militia of corporate lawyers and sustained greasing of the US Congress by lobbyists to manipulate corporate tax policy, BP will likely write off a large portion of the incurred debt.”These tax loopholes, you could drive an oil tanker through them,” laughed BP spokesman Chapman Cornwall between puffs of his cigar rolled with the dreams of future generations.

Fortunately for the tax payers, who will end up footing the bill for BP’s negligence, environmental devastation and complicity in the deaths of their employees, oil does act as a lubricant.