Media release: Monaco, 0800hrs, Energy giant BP, (formerly British Petroleum) has announced an offer of support to the Japanese government overnight, pledging to fully rebuild the nation’s damaged nuclear reactors on undisclosed but “very favorable” terms.
Former CEO Tony Hayward, who was deposed after the Deepwater Horizon oil spill of 2010, has returned to the company in the newly created position of Chief Explortation Officer, bringing with him years of unrivaled disaster management expertise.
“Although nuclear technologies are not at the forefront of what we do, remember our name isn’t ‘British Petroleum’ any longer, but instead ‘Beyond Petroleum’, and nuclear energy is certainly that.
“In my years as the CEO of BP and owner of a racing yacht, I have compiled vast resources for dealing with any sort of natural disaster, or man-made ones like PR,” he explained.
“For instance, prior to last Spring, we hadn’t the foggiest idea of how to even think of fixing an oil spill, but we’ve learned a bit. It is the same proven adaptive management systems that I bring to the nation of Japan.”
Asked if his offer was prompted by past environmental guilt, Mr Hayward paused before dissembling, “British Petroleum is only looking towards the future.”
Japanese Prime Minister Naoto Kan, who currently oversees a combo platter of natural disasters, a shrinking economy and a record national debt of more than 200% of GDP, had no hesitation in welcoming the gesture from BP. “Not only do we, the Japanese people, accept Mr Hayward’s gracious offer, I personally look forward to working with him as soon as practicably possible.”
Mr Hayward indicated an emergency rapid-response team would be assembled to address the possibility of a full-scale meltdown “possibly by July or August.”
NOTE: This disaster is still unfolding, and the toll of dead, missing and injured is truly staggering. Please consider making a contribution, even a small one, to an organization like The Red Cross or UNICEF.
‘Fission Accomplished’. An atomically well proportioned pun. My core reacted with a complete meltdown. Very rad. I nominate it for the Chernobyl prize.
Okay, I’ll stop now, as I think I’ve spent my rod.
Thanks for proving irrefutably that it would be an act of mercy…….
I agree. What’s your poison?
So ya gonna put us out of your misery, Refreed?
Don’t use an electric chair (three second pause). You might blow a FUSION on that thing!
There comes a point at which I think mercy killings are justified……….
I once entered a pun contest. I had 10 real zingers. I figured at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
Glad you decided to go with the flow and just ‘humor-us’
Puns are the lowest form of humor…… oh, why do I even bother?
What do you guys know about humor anyway?
At first, I thought this was a “futurist” article.
Hence the “con-fusion” with the image.
I did…by e-mail mind you, but I did. Fission for compliments are you?
“Fission accomplished” made me snort coffee, but I didn’t want you to get a big head!
But nobody said anything about m’ photoshop. [sniffle]
Good bit putting the donation thing at the end.
Well written!
I agree.
I, for one, think this is not only clever satire, but a brilliant way to bring more western eyeballs onto the donation links. Kudos, yo!