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Japan Quake Silver Lining: Whaling Fleet Decimated

Japan Quake Silver Lining: Whaling Fleet Decimated

As sure as every crowd has a pilfer lining, every crowd has one of silver. While the quake off the northeast coast of Japan has already racked up a death toll in the thousands, there may still be some good news. Sources have suggested that the Japanese whaling fleet may have suffered serious, permanent damage from the resulting tsunami.

NOTE: Thanks to all the readers and commenters. This story, while satirical in nature, is designed to raise awareness of the illegal slaughter of whales by the Japanese fleets. The tsunami did damage the whaling industry, and destroy a shark fin town (thanks to Johnny for the link. Please visit WorldAgainstWhaling.org to spread the message and get involved. Suggest additional links in the comments.

Due to interference from the Sea Shepherd Foundation, the Japanese whaling fleet was forced to call off their annual whale hunt early. Those whaling ships, sent back to port, returned to the northeast coast of Japan mere days before the tsunami devastated many of the vessels docked.

According to one report, two of the vessels have capsized, with significant damage to a third. There are no reports of fatalities, as the ships were moored at the time.

One vessel, The Yellow Gull, is believed to be a total loss.

“While we regret the damages and great losses suffered, we understand that sometimes these things happen for good reasons,” said local resident Migawi Hoshigawa. Adding, “the whale hunt is something only acceptable in times of history, it should already be a thing of the past.”

While this event may not dismantle the whaling industry, it will certainly cause financial difficuly to an already strained industry.

“Very few [consumers] purchase whale meat,” said Shigatoshi Usan, a seafood wholesaler from Kyoto, “much of [the product] for sale in markets has been frozen since 1995 or before.”

Jason X, a representative for an ecological group who requested we not use his real name, said that “though this is by no means the nail in the coffin we’ve been hoping for, it’s at least tapping on that nail, and we’ll take whatever we can get at this point.”

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This post was written by

- who has written 389 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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70 Responses to “Japan Quake Silver Lining: Whaling Fleet Decimated”

  1. Kilroy says:

    On the negative side, Moby can keep on recording with impunity.

  2. Colt says:

    If only they’d turned back a week earlier this dream could come true. So sad we almost had the only high seas whaling fleet destroyed by mother nature herself.

  3. Katrine says:

    Is the Yellow Gull was a member of the Antarctic whaling fleet? I first heard about this ship.

  4. Hi Brian,

    I realize that there’s a ‘disclaimer’ at the end of your article, but perhaps a more visible caveat would be appropriate. Please understand that many people take this issue very seriously, and are inclined to pass along information as though it were indeed factual. In this age where online “news” can go viral, it’s not a helpful thing to perpetuate misinformation. I have a healthy sense of humor, but I also see this a lot, particularly in social media, and in light of the very somber and grave situation in Japan, we should all strive to be particularly sensitive and respectful of reporting parodies of ‘hot-button’ issues – especially in the immediate wake of the incidents unfolding on Honshu. Imagine reading your ‘article’ to a group of Tsunami survivors waiting in an hours-long line for food and water. If you don’t think it would evoke a laugh there, perhaps it’s wise not to post it at all.

    Thank you in advance, Brian, for your sensitivity, compassion, and respect for the situation. It is greatly appreciated.

    Cheryl McCormick

  5. Brad mckinnon says:

    Grate news for the whales and me!

  6. sidwinder says:

    Well well well – all things happen for a reason. Althought I’m sad and distressed about the earthquake and the loss of life etc I’m not at all saddened by the destruction of the whaling fleet.

  7. Rory Calhoun says:

    You racist bastard…. a silver lining to an environmental calamity?

    maybe for the terrorists of this group, but humans consider it an unmitigated disaster…. when I get out to Tokyo, I’m going to eat TWO orders of gojira to stick it to sanctimonious pricks like you and the ‘admiral’…. whales and dolphins are too tasty a treat not to be harvested!

  8. Mr Philips says:

    @Rory Calhoun
    And we’ll just keep defeating you. Looking forward to the next round. You are the loser.

  9. sidwinder says:

    Calm down Rory.

  10. Labs says:

    Chill Rory…why is it that anyone who disagrees with anyone else in this day and age is a “racist”??? I’m entitled to and do have many opinions without race being a motivating factor. To me, name calling is nothing more than a cowardly and ignorant response. It’s something to say to “rile people” when you don’t have an intelligent response, which you obviously didn’t have. Do you sincerely think that your eating, and I quote, TWO orders of gojira is going to make any difference whatsoever to anyone?? Could I explain to you that gojira is Japanese for Godzilla??? How is eating 2 orders of Godzilla going to affect anyone and where, exactly does one order Godzilla???
    P.S. See above re ignorant responses…sigh…sorry Rory…you made a real fool out of yourself!

  11. What an odd person you are Rory.
    Just think of all the Whales that can now live in Peace — Yes Peace in a Whale Sanctuary — Yes A Whale Sanctuary.

    Whilst I’m shocked at the devastation in Japan — If the reports are true concerning the wrecked whaling fleet then on that I am pleased that Whales will be left alone.
    Why should Whales not be allowed to live in Peace??????

    How would you like it Rory if someone came after you with an exploding harpoon ?????? Sea Shepherd have done a great job in saving whales and God has assisted them in getting rid of the
    Whaling Fleet.

  12. brando says:

    This is great news im happy those whalers got what they deserve

  13. Lisa says:

    Due to Nuclear Plant disaster I suspect Tokyo will have very high levels of radiation, so your gojira on a stick will be soaked with radiation. I’m so happy this fleet is distroyed, not only has Japan decimated Whale and dolpin population in their area, they have driven all rare sea creatures to extinction levels, such as rare turtles and blue fin tuna. Their entire art and culture embrace nature and animals, yet they are very cruel with killing sharks, whales, dolphins and all sea creatures, and do not seem to care about the extinction of blue fin tuna or other sea animals, and I read somewhere they plan to farm blue fin tuna which they say will taste better then wild, have you eaten wild salmon and farmed salmon?
    I believe this is Karma for all the animals they killed out of sheer greed. They have a 6 ton stockpile of whale meat, and hunt more every year for “research”. I’m very disappointed in the way they treat marine life.

  14. Victor Richa says:

    Rory – you’re a fag.

    Thanks for the great article. It’s Mother Nature fixing things.

  15. Walley says:

    Rory you’re a complete idiot. How is finding a shred of light or optimism after a horrible natural disaster a bad thing? The reality is Japanese citizens are receiving more attention and aid than any other citizens of other countries in the recent years where a natural disaster has struck.

    Your claims are as ignorant and unfounded as I’ve ever read. There is nothing in his post that suggests he is a racist. You make it sound like Brian is somehow the perpetrator of this natural disaster.

    They aren’t being harvested, they are being slaughtered. It doesn’t surprise me you would travel to Tokyo to buy whale meat – you know, instead of offer your time and money in support of the Japanese citizens you appear to be defending. Yeah, guess who is starting to appear like the real sanctimonious prick. Asshole.

  16. AaronC says:

    As good as it would be, I dont believe there is any truth to this article. Hopefully a few dolphin fishermen got rolled at Taiji though.

  17. Sadly, it appears that most, if not all, of your readers have missed the very relevant notice at the end of your article, Brian. Mission accomplished…

    “Brian K. White – who has written 125 posts on GlossyNews.com.

    Brian first began pedaling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he’s published over fifteen-hundred satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.”

    In other words, folks, it’s a parody… a hoax. It may well be true, however, but Brian doesn’t have any evidence to support that. The post was intended to either get a laugh from some, or rankle others.

    While I personally would advise restraint and sensitivity in publishing such a post in the wake of such devastation (see my post above); it does seem to be distasteful and lacking in prudent judgment, I would also encourage everybody to exercise civility in engaging with each other online, as you probably would in person.

    On the other hand, I did get a laugh from “Lab’s” comment about two orders of “Godzilla on a stick.” Seems like ONE order would be more than enough. :)

    Thanks all. We’ve posted this article as a “parody” on the American Cetacean Society’s Facebook page so people don’t get carried away.

    Cheryl McCormick
    http://www.facebook.com/AmericanCetaceanSociety

  18. Huia says:

    I am totally unaware re whaling…I do know that: people all over the World oppose the killing of the whales. I need to read more about it.

  19. I guess you could say the Japanese whaling fleet are wailing about now. Sorry, couldn’t help it. Yes, I could. ;)

  20. John Dalton says:

    @Cheryl McCormick: Thank you for articulating my sentiments so precisely.

    @Brian White (author): To attach any agenda to the human suffering associated with the occurrence in Japan is… on second thought, never mind what I was going to say. You’re right on track to becoming a reporter for any number of news organizations. Keep spinning it.

  21. Brian K. White says:

    If I can raise awareness, I’ve done my job. And Mr. Dalton, no need to be a dick. I didn’t have to approve your insulting comment. I did it because I value openness.

  22. Really? says:

    I don’t see the humor in this article at all. I think it is a sick/bizarre article. Leave the satirical news articles to The Onion, which has not written an article about the quake for a reason.

  23. Peter says:

    Better than my solution, obtain a old deisel sub issue awarning that any whaling vessel (or processor) leaving port will be torpedoed and then DO IT

  24. Dogtooth says:

    to Rory…
    human meat is so close to pig meat that most people wouldn’t know the difference.
    and if 70% of all meat eaters like pig meat, then it is safe to say (by your standards) that human meat is too tasty not to harvest. lets start with your family.
    and look up the word racist, read the definition… 3 times if it helps, and then re read the comments that lead you to reply with your thoughts.
    so if anybody here is a racist, it would other nature.

  25. Kilroy says:

    Yeah, and get the Somoliis to help. It’ll take a few years before the “terrorist” label gets you invaded and occupied.

  26. MA Moore says:

    KARMA – BINGO!

  27. Wow, cool beans!!! ORK ORK ORK!!! Baby seal of approval for Mr. White’s button pushing.

    This is Swiftian satire at its very best.

    Some of these commenters are so profoundly confused, I don’t think I’d trust them to water my lawn.

  28. Kilroy says:

    “PITCHFORKS AND TORCHES!! GET YER PITCHFORKS AND TORCHES RIGHT HERE!!!”

    What? A man’s gotta make a living.

  29. Michael Paramore says:

    Somethings just happen for a reason. looks like the whales won this year.

  30. To those who would leave the more “tasteful” satirical writing to The Onion, might I suggest their piece about the deceased teenage girl remembered for her great handjobs.

    Me, I’ll just stick to giving a hand, without the job, to Mr. White. Kudos on a great piece.

  31. Tiki says:

    Well played, Mr. White – satire is best when someone buys into it, and you had people from both sides of the issue swallow the bait.

    Write a your next piece of satire about how the Japanese government is tapping into the 5,000 or so tons of surplus frozen whale meat to feed their disaster victims, and you should get more than a few views and angry posts. You could also throw in something really caustic like “the Japanese citizens have found a renewed love for whale meat, and are thankful for the perseverance of the brave crew of the Nisshin Maru in bringing dinner to the table”. That alone should be a powder keg guaranteed to set people off….

  32. Parsnips says:

    What do whales eat?

    Crustaceans. (Crushed asians)

  33. MA Moore says:

    I still say it is the Whale and Dolphins revenge!

  34. Beth says:

    Please visit the Sea Shepherd’s website for the actual report on what happened, as the information above is a satirical “story”. http://www.seashepherd.org/news-and-media/news-110311-1.html
    The whaling fleet had not yet gotten back to Japan and was not effected. NOTE: The Cove team mentioned on the Sea Shephard’s website has been found and are doing ok, although the town they were in was destroyed.

  35. Matt says:

    You guys know this tsunami affected some whales too? like there were a couple of whales washed ashore? so if it was karma, then why would whales have been affected? @Whalley the only reason they are receiving more attention, is because of the magnitude of the disaster, i mean an 8.9 earthquake, a massive tsunami wiping out towns and community’s off the face of the map, and on top of that a volcanic eruption and thousands and thousands of people dead, put the piece’s together and you will see why they are receiving more attention…

    Matt

  36. Kailash says:

    For many many years Japan has systematically decimated Whales under the guise of ‘research’. Mother Earth has shown it’s fury and the Oceans are punishing Japan for their deeds.It is only so much that nature will tolerate.Japan should come to their senses now and stop slaughtering whales now.

  37. Inoseeman says:

    I turned the tv to CNN just as a old man was crying out “the ocean is mad at us”
    Maybe they will get the picture and respect all earths intelegent life.

  38. steve says:

    Mother nature finally had enough-what goes around, comes around. Personally hope that this is the 1st step to the whaling industry becoming a thing of the past.

  39. Jennifer says:

    (Gen 1:21 KJV) And God created great whales,God puishment to Jpana quake and whales and dolphins God push in sea over to Japan

  40. chris says:

    wow u ppl r very stupid well some of u do u not have a heart

  41. When I worked for Greenpeace years ago, I stayed in the whaling town of Ayukawa, which has since been wiped out by the tsunami. For thoughts on this, pls visit http://www.patriciaklichen.com/2011/04/goodbye-to-whaling-town.html
    (or just http://www.patriciaklichen.com, and scroll down to Goodbye to Whaling Town)

  42. Name not Required says:

    Obvious troll is obvious

  43. Squidmonkey says:

    I love all things Japanese.. from anime to sushi, love sashimi..japan love..

    Unsure about the Karma. however I do see the Irony. ie. The Aussie government has a big diplomatic argument with japan about whaling in the southern whale sanctuary (Aussie territory). How this will affect the debate in the long term will be of interest. Fish is a big export from oz to japan with radioactive water, will be interesting in how that will affect fish prices and supplies back home.

    What I am sure of is that symbolism of this event will be felt in Japan. An Island culture based on fish. I’m certain that already some circles in japan will be debating non scientific reasons on why this has happened

  44. diogenes says:

    Yes, Nature is terrorist by nature. So the we should fight it… oops, we already are! So watch out who’s next!! It won’t have mercy even if you’re a vegan

  45. Nature says:

    I hate humans, especially vegans. Humans are worst than head lice and a lot louder.

  46. P. Beckert says:

    Hi Kilroy. Is Nature your dark side? Ah-hem, I mean, OTHER dark side?

  47. Last Tuesday I started up my polar bear killing Mustang and there was a piece of shingle UNDER a windshield wiper, from previous night’s tornadic activity.

    I don’t really know how Nature puts a shingle under my windshield wiper late at night. I am pretty sure Nature doesn’t like anybody.

    And I’m also rather certain ‘Captain Planet’ was about the stupidest cartoon ever made.

  48. P. Beckert says:

    Wow, L-T, you do sound pretty certain about that. Hope you don’t find any more shingles in odd places. If I were you, I’d stay in a sitting position at all times.

  49. Dave Rideough says:

    The truth is even funnier than the story: the idea that whaling is illegal is an even bigger hoax.

  50. Brian K. White says:

    Right… except that commercial whaling is illegal. Like everywhere.

  51. rfreed says:

    Another side of it is that the Japanese have always depended on the sea for their food being such a heavily populated country with limited land space. For them whales are a traditional and necessary food and they feel foreigners are limiting their food supply. That would be like someone telling we Americans not to eat cows.

  52. I do the crazy Conservative take on these issues…

    So if I’m to respect Japanese whaling since it’s an ancient
    tradition, very well, I respect it.

    Since it’s a revered ancient cultural tradition, I think the
    Japanese should honor it by using ancient whaling methods.

    That’d be fun to watch…

  53. Kilroy says:

    Beckert–I’m like a dark diamond, many facets, all Dark. Except for that annoying bright, cheerful one. We’re voting him off the Island, by the way.

    But as mentioned by L-T ancient Japanese tradition should be honored by equally ancient weaponry. Isn’t that what the Inuits have to do? Oh and L-T…Nature called and she wants her shingle back….

  54. Brian K. White says:

    The real problem is the lack of sustainability. The japanese have no problem hunting entire species into extinction.

  55. Blue says:

    Granted I don’t support whale hunting (I am Japanese), saying that it is a GOOD NEWS that people suffered so much loss makes me sick to my stomach.

    If you really want the whale hunting to end, instead of making more enemies by saying these people’s suffering is for a good cause, learn some compassion and work with people. Come up with a good solution so people can sustain their lives without whaling.

    It’s like saying the war and massacre is a good thing because it’s a solution to over population. Just sick.

  56. Brian K. White says:

    Hey Blue, how is it “somebody else’s job” to find other employment for Japanese whalers? This is a profession endorsed and fully supported by the Japanese government. Japan has been the world’s 2nd largest economy until last year. Smart people we’re talking about here, prosperous too. This is NOT the ONLY WAY they can make money. Get real.

  57. pete davis says:

    whaling, sharking finning, destruction of most of the wild stock of cod, salmon, you name it, its a long list of abuse for profit. until we develop sustainable ways of actually FARMING these species, nothing will change.

  58. Tenderhearted says:

    I am amazed at the ignorance. As they say “common sense isn’t so common” we can breed cows quite easily. Where do u propose we breed whales? the japanese are wiping out a species. maybe we can get them to hunt stupid people instead?

  59. me says:

    So basically and eye for an eye. Cant say the Japs didnt have it coming. Its called karma, aint it a bitch?

  60. Kilroy says:

    I wonder what kind of Bison-infused-carrier pidgeon fueled Karma the U.S. is looking at?

  61. Susan says:

    I dont think the radiation fallout from those destroyed nuclear plants are very helpful to the local or oceanic sea life, the whales are crying out, I pray God heal the waters and stop the evil mankind from hurting our oceans and all of God’s animals, it is sad that by giving man dominion over them, it has all led to this. Men in these days are lovers of selves and do not seem to care about the effect they are having on all the animals that look to them for protection and provision.

  62. Adam says:

    You fa**ots defending a bunch of terrorists suck ass. These people go out and perform terrorist acts. Thank god their boat was seized and may now be sold off. Their fat “captain” is a lying sack of s**t. They harass and attack these Japanese people who in reality are just guys doing a job and probably couldn’t vice two s**ts either way about whaling, then when something is done back to them they whine and cry to the media or make up stories about getting shot. Hopefully the Japanese just ram them all or turn the harpoon on them.

  63. Real American says:

    You guys are all a bunch of BLEEPing hippies. get a haircut and get a job…

  64. BobZaguy says:

    Two comments that would work well in the article:

    1. Imagine reading your ‘article’ to a group of Tsunami survivors waiting in an hours-long line for food and water.
    Right. As if they would be surfing the internet while waiting!

    and
    2. Another side of it is that the Japanese have always depended on the sea for their food being such a heavily populated country with limited land space.
    This one is funny to me because of the author’s implication that they would be able to ‘farm’ seafood if they only had more land.

  65. BobZaguy says:

    Hey Kilroy!
    This comment is so great:
    “I wonder what kind of Bison-infused-carrier pidgeon fueled Karma the U.S. is looking at?”

    But WTF does it mean?
    What’s the difference between my pigeons and your pidgeon? Not that it matters, I just love this line!

  66. Greg says:

    Couldn’t be happier!

  67. Skoob1999 says:

    I’m on the side of the whales. I liked the article, and I regard the slaughter of sentient creatures to be a crime against nature.

    Bravo!

    Skoob.

  68. rfreed says:

    Another side to the story is that Japan is an overpopulated country reliant on the sea for food. It could be argued that they could use a few whales a year to offset the fact that they have little arable land to feed their people with.
    I agree that whale over-killing is wrong, but for a sea going nation to kill a few for food I do not feel is out of order.

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