Detroit, Mich. (GlossyNews): General Motors Corporation announced today the release of a line of high-tech vehicles designed to meet the demands of environmentally conscious consumers, as well as the new federal green-technologies regulations. According to a company spokesman, “The new biodegradable car, made entirely of remaindered Crocs, will return GM to international prominence as a leader in innovative automobile technologies, and position the company for increased market share in both the international and domestic markets.”
“General Motors is doing what no other car company has,” said the spokesman. “While our competitors have followed our lead in developing improved fuel economy, hybrid engines, and such, these are only short-term solutions.
“GM is looking beyond tomorrow by asking, ‘How do we reduce the environmental impact of operating motor vehicles while lowering the total environmental impact of the production, use, and eventual obsolescence of the automobile to zero?’ Our answer is as simple as it is revolutionary—the biodegradable car. We fully expect the new 2010 line of biodegradable vehicles—led by our flagship model, the Chevrolet Kaput—to revolutionize the automotive industry and to open new vistas for the environmentally savvy consumer.”
In a promotional video released by GM, several owners who tested prototypes of the Kaput, heaped praise on the vehicle.
“At first I was skeptical about the green claims made by GM,” said one test driver from Provo, Utah. “After just two weeks, however, I noticed the seat covers were starting to split open and melt almost right before my eyes. Next thing you know, the turn signals stop working, the check-engine light comes on every time I get gas, and the engine starts to lose power whenever I go up a hill or turn left. I am simply amazed at how quickly the car began to deteriorate.”
A test driver from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, claimed the carbon emissions from his vehicle were already near zero after just six months of ownership.
“Cars don’t produce any carbon if you can’t get them to go into reverse so you can take them out of the driveway,” he said.
Not sparing any effort in promoting its new biodegradable cars, Chevrolet has hired uber-pitchman Howie Long to star in a series of Kaput commercials.
“Just look at it sitting down there by the garage,” smiles Long menacingly. “It’s biodegrading already! The quarter panels are falling off, the emergency brake is stuck on, and even if you could push it to the road, the design of the internal instrumentation is so counter intuitive it’s just as easy to take the bus. Those wimps at Honda don’t have the [courage] to put the light switch right by the door lock and the radio so far away from the driver that you have to lay on the passenger seat to change a station.”