TOKYO, JAPAN- Japanese engineers working for Toyota shocked the world today by announcing that they have at long last created a car worse than any car made in the United States. After a bold promise made by Chief Engineer Fukashi Tokiru in the late nineties to match American ineptitude, Toyota’s engineers finally came through, creating a car that is more terrible than any American counterpart.
“It was really difficult.” Tokiru admitted to the press shortly after releasing the surprising news. “American engineers are very clever. It took us a very long time to figure out how they make their transmissions fail so quickly, and it was especially difficult for us to figure out how they made their cars make so many strange noises.”
The car, which has been named the Kawaisou (Japanese for pathetic), is expected to hit the market fall of 2010. Toyota hopes to recover much of the money they spent to achieve top of the line weak metallurgy, poor suspension, awful reliability, and terrible ride comfort in their new car.
“We don’t expect to make up all the money we spent creating this car.” The President of Toyota Motors said in a private interview. “It was never designed to be a cash car, but to improve our reputation. We couldn’t let America get too far ahead after all. I mean, even now they’re still killing us in low gas mileage. We still don’t know how they make those things so darn inefficient.”
Toyota spent an estimated five hundred million dollars attempting to mimic American technology. Tokiru reports that funding for the program was almost cut several times to be potentially used to make better cars, which, as Tokiru put it, would have been a “…disastrous mistake.”
American automakers seemed unphased by the development however, most not even bothering to comment on the Kawaisou except to draw attention to GM’s newly hired kindergarten age engineers, who are expected to soon be producing countless more top of the line clunkers. Many even have made predictions that the next generation of cars may not even have axles.
“It’s certainly a concern.” The President of General Motors said today in response to the Kawaisou. “But we’re honestly not too bothered by Toyota’s advancements. Our reputation as the premier crappy car maker is still pretty much untouched. Sure, America may have started rough in the auto industry, making cars reliable enough that many are still embarrassingly on the road today, but we’ve learned from that, and now our cars are lucky to make it five years. We’re adaptable, and we’ll soon be ahead of the Asian market once more.”
The Kawaisou will be incorporating many new and innovative safety features, such as using the fuel injectors simultaneously as electrical fuses, making the car burst into a fiery inferno at random intervals. Along with this, the Kawaisou will be boasting a staggering thirty percent total failure rate among released cars within the first two months of ownership, and is expected to be the first car to actually break down faster than factories can build new models. Toyota hopes the drop in supply will drastically increase demand. However, American auto companies still have the Kawaisou beaten in fuel efficiency, as the Kawaisou gets an uncomfortable 40 kilometers to the gallon.
“We have acknowledged the issue of the Kawaisou’s gas mileage,” Tokiru told reporters, “which is why we will be offering the premium model, which will be equipped with a parachute to increase drag. It should drop it to around 15 kilometers to the gallon. We expect this feature to be very popular, especially with Americans. We’re also coming out with a hybrid version which will run on half gasoline half diesel to make refueling that much more annoying.”
Regardless of the Kawaisou’s port of origin, it is a promising milestone to pass on the road of technology. It’s creation has sparked many more innovations in the auto-industry, including using the car’s exhaust as the air conditioning, and swapping rubber tires for latex ones to name a few. Certainly the Kawaisou will stand the test of time as an example of both human ingenuity and incompetence.