University researchers have made a startling discovery after a routine colonoscopy of a 50 year old native American man revealed a phenomenon. The discovery is known in layman’s terms as….The Center of the Known Universe!
The true Theta Victa Gamma Globo, or Universe Center, has eluded researchers and scholars for over 500 years and was almost considered a fable. Now, with this recent discovery, researchers feel that true multi-dimensional time travel could be a reality in just a few short years.
The biggest drawback to leaping through those ass-tral planes immediately is the reluctant patient. The man steadfastly refuses to allow anyone to, well, as he put it….”Crawl up my hairy butt just to take a gander!”
In fact, a total rectal passage would be needed to reach the Victa Gamma. This would allow scientists to time-soar effectively in the unknown and uncharted regions in the universe’s center.
Dr. Mertus Englewood was blunt about the ramifications of time soaring and the revelations that could change history.
“Think of it this way. We could finally solve who killed Kennedy. Prevent WWII, and perhaps best of all, convince Monica to swallow all the evidence!”
The patient, native American Cletus Broken Feather, who proclaimed himself as just ‘an Injun Redneck,’ reportedly is mulling over an offer to allow a very petite dwarf, who happens to be a University of New Mexico senior astro-physicist, to be the first to enter and explore the Center of the Universe.
Broken Feather is basing his acceptance on having Universe ownership rights, any photo exclusives would be proprietary and exclusively retained by himself, and any turquoise and silver that might be found is all his. He also insisted that the professor clip his toe nails and remove his earrings.
Immediate compensation was discussed between Mr. Broken Feather and university officials. Reportedly, there is talk of a shiny new F-150, a steak dinner, and use of a 5-Star hotel room to set up his Native American trinkets stand. Broken Feather was adamant that this was only part of the offering, and thought a late-night stint on Letterman might be cool too.
The patient has been cautioned by researchers not to fart in fear of a galactic calamity of biblical proportions, especially while the physicist is aboard and exploring.
Broken Feather was given a free tin of Altoids and imediately placed on a non-pickled egg and low fiber diet.
That was ten kinds of disturbing.
Roses??? I thought you were offering me your tulips.
But, but, I send roses and stuff!!!!
“Brian told me a ‘NO DOCKING’ policy is in effect for the foreseeable future, unless the dockee plays away games and can service his satellite dish’s ‘S’ cord. I told him to contact Mr. Wizard.”
I’m pretty sure I have no idea what any of this means. If you think you can get away with hitting on me just because I’m straight, I should warn you that all liberals are a little gay, and those boobs a yers look bigger’n I think I’ve ever seen in real life.
Actually Cletus, the whole idea started when SFO mentioned that he thought it would be fun for him to visit Uranus one day.
BTW…Brian told me a ‘NO DOCKING’ policy is in effect for the foreseeable future, unless the dockee plays away games and can service his satellite dish’s ‘S’ cord. I told him to contact Mr. Wizard.
Sorry, Bargis, but my ass is “exit only” and will remain that way. If you want to visit the interior of someone’s butt, I’m sure that your good friend SFO would be more than willing.
By the way, if my “fundillo” is the center of the universe, then does this mean that the universe revolves around me? If so, I’d like some supermodels to come into a closer orbit and maybe dock with me.